• Hools

A Discovery of Self Love

I've softly identified as Poly for about a year, though I've never subscribed to the concept of monogamy. The immediate shut off my brain does around the words 'I want to be exclusive' is justly personified by my complete cut off of future relations with certain people I've dated who've made the bold move to suggest something that's mostly 'normalized' in our society. It has never sat well with me. The thought of being tied down by one person who says 'she's mine' is suffocating that even the thought of it as I type it out makes me want to vomit. With that said, I get that monogamy works for people, well... I get it in a way that most people 'get' me being asexaul by agreeing to allow me to identify that way, though they'll never really understand. So sure, do I look at monogamous couples daily and want to throw myself over a brick wall? Sure. But also, to each their own, we're all allowed to live our own lives. Which is why I'll stay in my lane, you stay in yours.

Most recently I've found myself inside an active poly-cube. I don't know, is that a term, I don't know, I'm new to this, hello my name is Hools and I might be a fool, but I'm willing to learn. With this new relationship budding I can actually feel a sense of respect that I've never felt from previous partners. In a way that is actually blowing my mind as to how much bullshit I put up with in romantic entanglements just because I didn't feel like I deserved respect. I spent the early years of my life so engrained in my career that even looking at another person didn't cross my mind, and with that have been very juvenile in my approach to relationships. Like a 13 year old swooning over the boy with the Justin Beiber shag, circa 2010, I fell for a child in a 24 year old's body, and let him completely control the situation until part of my more intellectual brain went.... hmmm maybe... maybe this isn't okay...? I didn't realize I could date someone who actually wanted to be around me... and from there I made slow steps to improvements. 

Without getting into the logistics of my previous entanglements, because I don't feel like throwing anyone under the bus, I will mostly say it's been eye opening to find myself involved with people who take time in their life for me. I believed that that was a privilege, that any attention I got from someone I was dating was a bonus, when now I realize that's just common fucking decency. In the same breath I am overly respectful towards any relationship in my life. And I'm talking about all of them, platonic, sexual, romantic, etc, since we as a general society have grown to believe there aren't separation between the many facets of any relationship. I care deeply for the people I want to care deeply for. I've gotten involved with way too many people who've taken advantage of my 100% commitment to them because, alas, I like to see the good in people, opps. But, have since really worked, hard, on what I'm getting out of all my relationships. I have really deep friendships with people. Ones that I know are strong regardless of how often I see someone, but ones that if I called them at 4 am and they were awake, or woken up by their ringer, would hands down Uber to sit beside me if I needed them to. With that statement actually ringing true at times. I don't know if you remember when I called you while having a panic attack in the park and you showed up 20 minutes later just to give me a hug, but that's the kind of friendships I emblazon. But with that said, I've given myself the lowest form of respect in regards to anything sexual/intimate/romantic because it took me 25 years before I had someone look me in the eye and express any sort of interest. I was blinded. 

Growing up I was told constantly that I was weird. I believed no one could love me in a romantic way because there was just something wrong with me. Of course later discovering the source of my inability to feel sexual attraction, when not knowing what it was because well... sex education... am I right?! From discovering my sexuality and trying to date within it I believed maybe I just wasn't made to feel attraction in any way, until that happened with someone who didn't know who I was, which was another hurdle to jump over. Fast forward to the first person I dated that I had feelings for and I thought they felt the same.... AND that's my one woman show (rave reviewed, btw, I'm awesome.). So, back on the topic of Polyamory. Which is what this blog is intended for.

I was talking with my therapist yesterday who asked 'so what is it about polyamory that makes sense for you', and I found myself struggling to find the words. I've seen so many awful monogamous relationships from my childhood that it became the foundation of what any romantic/sexual relationship is. Knowing that I have become afraid of monogamy in the sense of 'owning' someone. The idea that if I'm out with a partner while flirting with a stranger and having my partner scold me for it makes me feel ill. I'm an individual and VERY independent. It's also the reason I didn't date for so long, people are intimidated by my ability to live. I don't need someone to fill holes (in all ways considered, dirty joke, score Holly, you got 'em intrigued now). I don't need someone to show off to the world, or for them to show me off. I don't need the sense that I only exist in the presence of someone who will tell people I exist. Do I still have a difficulty to escape the idea that I'm not invisible? Well, yeah, but that's a different blog post, we'll get there.

Anyway, this blog is intended for my own personal discovery as well as a way to share community. I'm slowly feeling more and more validated, which is allowing my creative brain a lot more space to breath. So for now, I'll keep sharing. Hope this is... something... Everything is something...

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