A letter for someone who probably doesn't exist
I've finally started feeling like a human again, with human emotions, which is a change from the last... god knows how long. I may have checked out since probably April last year when I stopped taking my meds after I was sore from a break-up with a now good friend of mine. Life is silly.
With my new found... happiness (i'm working on what that even is...) I've started to feel like I'm able to get back in the field of finding love with others. Self-love will do that. I'm at the stage of starting to love myself again. I'm fucking rad.
On the hunt for more lovers I start to really look into what is it that I'm looking for. So I thought this might help me.
A letter to my future lover
Dear Whoever you are,
Thank you for loving me. I will never stop showering you with my words because it's the only way I know how to share my love, due to my lack of sexual attraction that stiffens me and yet you still don't seem to mind. Thank you for holding my heart so very carefully while also allowing me to challenge myself with those I allow to hold it.
May we lay in each others arms on cold nights when we both feel just a little bit too alone, and I feel a little bit too lost in the shuffle of my lovers lovers, for I know my heart is still with them, I won't get too anxious about the lies my brain tells me when I'm with you. You calm me down from my thoughts, you tell me it's okay to worry about the other loves but that I'm also in charge of my own way of being in the general sense of the world.
May I wake up to the smell of hot syrup dripped on a waffle, topped with blueberry coulis, because even though you know I don't like a lot of sugar, you know that blueberry will trump all my thoughts of sugar overflowing through my blood. Let me cry on your shoulder, staining all your shirts, but you joke that is gives it a rustic look. Let me be alone when I need, but be there when I say I want to be alone and still you show up because you know I was lying about wanting to be alone.
May we share sweet kisses in the rain, and even though it'll never be like in the movies, we do it for the spite of romance. Let me hold onto the pain I need to in order to let go, and even though it might be hard to watch me hurt, you will be there to catch me when I fall. May I introduce you to another lover for yourself, and may we frolic in a lake on a camping trip, all together.
Let me yell at you because I don't know how to express anger but need to get it out, and know that it never really has anything to do with you. May all my insecurities be swallowed just by looking in your eyes. Let's find a loft apartment where my cat can roam, and you'll support me as I do my silly little writing projects, that you call gold.
I realize these are all the things to do with what you'll do for me, but in return I promise to answer your calls and return the love tenfold. For I know that is something I can do. And when all else fails, let me beat you at a board game I told you I suck at.
your long winded future star kitten.
It all gets lost in my brain
I don't know why it's so hard to express what I need. Mostly because the moment it's written out it becomes true. Then looking at it all I realize how aggressive and obsessive and possessive I am. All things that I've tried to avoid for most of my life. I've been so afraid of being an inconvenience to everyone around that I've compromised anything that I might want just to make people happy.
I'm so very tired of that. I'm so tired of never asking for what it is I want for fear of being too much. Because honestly, fuck them. I'm too much? That's not of me, think about yourself for a second, if you can't handle me, which like... I seriously would question, then check yourself. I'm a lot, but I'm not TOO much. I have a huge heart, I give so much of myself, and if you don't want to participate in that, then I pity you.
Or maybe I'm just cynical because I've recently realized I'm unable to do online dating and desperately want to have an organic connection with someone in real life, but don't have any faith I'll ever find what it is I am looking for.