A Letter to my Previous Lovers
Dating is weird because the moment you go from platonic to romantic people's brains get all confuzzled. I don't think I've really had that major separation because for me, being asexual, I don't have the complicated potential of being sexually attracted to someone, and clogging my thoughts, once we're no longer lovers. So maybe that's why it's so hard for me to accept that so many of my previous lovers have escaped me. I live the belief that there's always a possibility of returning to being friends, as long as the lines of communication are open and everyone is being honest. So, I've decided to write a letter to the lovers I've lost when those conversations weren't given, and one who has proven that I'm not just a piece of shit to be flushed away.
Monogamous, self-loathing boy
I tried to have that conversation with you. I opened up the lines of communication because I felt that you deserved to have that talk in person. It was very clear to me that we weren't going to work out but you were blinded by your admiration of me. You put me on a pedestal that I felt I was unbalanced on. You made my sexuality feel like it was made for you because you couldn't love yourself in a way that you felt anyone would see you as attractive, so having someone incapable of sexual attraction was a blessing for you. It made me sad. You had so much to give and you couldn't see that. In the end I couldn't be the one to make you love yourself. Not having that conversation was hard. Cutting me out I know was because your heart couldn't handle being near me in any other way than as a lover, but it felt like a slap in the face. As if I was only worth that. When I know I have so much more to give. I hope you've found someone to love you the way you want.
Cloak of Invisibility Kid
I stopped existing to you. You never let me see that I was worth anything in your eyes and I fought so hard to make it something because it was better than nothing. So I wrote a play about it. Maybe that's why you can't look at me in the eye anymore? It makes me feel like a bad person, but you didn't treat me in a way that made me feel good. You tricked me by telling me all the nice things for as long as you could before you recognized all my faults and used them against me to hurt me more. You are such a child. And it makes me so sad. I remember when I tried to talk to you, to have that conversation, so we could be friends, or at least be able to be in the same room without you freaking out, and you said that you just didn't feel a connection with people, that's not something you were capable of. That made me so sad. I wanted to help you see that people are good, if you just let them in. I still dart my eyes when I'm in your neighbourhood, afraid of you proving to me just how invisible I am to you by simply walking by and not acknowledging me. You couldn't even stand around when everyone was singing happy birthday to me that night. It still hurts. Sure, I wrote a play about you, but you erased me... I don't think I owe you an apology. But I wish we could sit for a few hours and just talk it out. I wish...
Idolized to a Fault
It was too much for me. To be seen as perfect in your eyes. And then to suddenly be transformed into the opposite so abruptly, ignoring me in way that I told you was really hard for me. You're the freshest, so you hurt the most right now. I know that will go away. But I thought we were stronger than that, I thought I meant something. You used all my fears and threw them in my face, it was mean. And you're still doing it. Maybe you've convinced yourself that I'm the villain, when I don't think I was ever anything but honest to you. My mental health got in the way and I hate that you used that against me. I'm working hard on myself, and it just makes me feel like even stinkier garbage. I like to think we could get back to what we had before. I would hope that one day, you'll reach out, and apologize, and we can talk it out. But I don't think you've ever said sorry in your life.
A Hopeful Beginning
You make me feel so good about myself because it allows me to see that I'm more than just some pussy you fucked. Which, on the surface seems like a basic human right, but I've been used so many times in that way I was starting to think I had no value outside of somewhere for a man to stick his dick in. But, all crass-ness aside, you are such a wholesome beautiful light in my life. It took me a couple months to get over you, but I'm glad both of us held on because the friendship we have now is something I cherish, and something that I need. I am so bad at needing things, afraid that if it's gone I will break and not be able to recover. But for the first time in my dating life I feel normal, like it's a possibility to have what we have when romance doesn't work out. Thank you for that. Thank you for making me feel special when you don't even realize what you're doing.
Digging Too Deep
You reached out to me when I was at a low, knowing that it would be so easy to break me down into your bed when my self-esteem was below freezing. You used that for your own good and pretended it wasn't anything else. You make me feel so sick and I wanted to be mature enough to get over it. To move on without saying anything. To let you continue to like my status' about being a shitty human without spinning me into a hole. But I couldn't. I'm not strong enough for that right now. But I wish you weren't part of my past. You made me feel like trash. You forced me to participate when I couldn't make that decision for myself. I cried. Once there were real feelings presented to you you ducked out. I hope someone one day makes you see how terrible that was. Because I can't.
There is hope.
I generally see the glass as half full, unless I'm having a depressive episode. But I like to think most people want to be good. So I try my best to put terrible thoughts about the people who have hurt me into a far cabinet of my mind, and replace them with 'they are only human and they are not strong enough right now to see anything else'. It's not easy. I'm not saying I'm good at it all the time. But everyone is a person.
And we're all just trying to figure it out.