A Rut of Epic Proportions
I've been having back and forth sessions with my therapist. One week I go in and we talk about the world as a whole, philosophize about my place among the hoards, then the next week I'm crying as he passes me a box of tissues because I feel so guilty about my choice to cut off all contact because it's for the best.
People keep asking me, as they do, how are you doing? How are you doing through this weird time? And I feel like I'm not allowed to answer this question, or really feel anything. I'm unaffected. I don't know anyone who is sick (luckily), I'm not forced to live in a bad situation with a partner or family, I'm able to afford rent thanks to government funds (though relying on government anything is... ugh). I mean, not having work right now really just leaves life open, and of course that ends up being a lot of time to think and sit inside my brain, but overall... I'm okay?
Though I feel like I've falling into this... I don't know... hole. I hear about people who are working on their art, writing and creating new things, and it no longer inspires me. I see posts and posts online about BLM and I don't feel like it's helping anything, so I become part of the masses by re-posting, hoping that signing a petition or donating money will change the systemic racism that is built into our horrifying world. But where do we go from there. Just hope? When I don't have any hope in myself.
If you are looking for somewhere to donate check out this list
My friend asked me yesterday if I have any secrets. Now, I'm a generally open person, I don't have much to hide behind. I have a radio show where I talk about what sex means for me without holding back. I talk about how I have no relationship with my family even though we might check in once every month... maybe?? I've never gotten into trouble. I've never... done anything so shameful that I can't speak it out loud. But I think if I had to say what that 'secret' is, it would be that the only reason I'm on this planet is so I don't upset other people by dying. I could never off myself because I think 'who will have to deal with my stuff in my apartment. Who will be forced to take care of my cat? Who will have panic attacks in the night because they couldn't imagine someone so happy was so sad'. So is my secret that mostly I'm sad a lot, and instead of talking about it all the time I turn on the charm. It's not a lie. It's not like me being silly or funny with friends is false. It does make me happy and it distracts me from the reality that I really don't see any other purpose for me being here.
Is that... too much?
I get like this at times. It's so silly to me. Because a lot of the days I'm really okay. I am! But then certain events will occur, or I'll spend time with certain people in a row that trigger each other and I fall back into that hole. The hole is bad, the hole is where I spiral and look at photos of people I shouldn't, and cry knowing my entire reality was false.
I can be strong. Hell, I'm generally a very strong individual, and I have wonderful fucking people in my life, who remind me of that, and who keep me on the horse. But sometimes I turn the horse down a different path away from friends just so I can fall off. Social media is a bitch.
A lot of things that have been triggering me lately have to do with the fact that even though certain things are blocked, the unblock button is so very easy to press. And then the hunger for the dopamine hit cracks open, and you realize you really are a junkyard full of glittery garbage. It might look pretty on the outside, but when you start digging you realize how rotten it all is. I crave what I have purposely pushed out. And I hate hate hate it.
I hate that when I don't hear back from someone, or I haven't gotten the response I was hoping for, I immediately jump to the idea that they don't want me in their life. I just want so bad for people to be honest. I want so bad for someone to say 'I don't value you in my life' so I can just stop caring. But people want to hold on, because they know I will, and they know I will make them feel good about it.
I feel like my emotions during quarantine are like a bad hangover. I say this because I just had a really bad one a couple of weeks ago where I couldn't keep water down. I throw up the bad, I drink in something that will give me life, I start feeling okay again, but then I feel warmth all over knowing the bad is coming, and then throw up, repeat.
I'd like to get out of this pattern. But maybe I'm just meant to live life like this.
I know I ramble a lot, and it doesn't make sense, but if you're interested in hearing me vocally ramble, feel free to check out my radio show that airs every other week on Alphabet Radio, The show is called 'Aced It'
And as always, feel free to follow me on the 'gram @Holly_amorous