Addicted to Chaos
The sensation that comes over me when I don't know what's going to happen next. A wave of excitement, my heart flutters, and then I'm disappointed by the result which gives my brain a withdrawal from dopamine. But the high when it does come, it exceeds any expectation, I need that feeling in my blood.
My life has never been scheduled. I have thrived off of a toddler's play mat of day to day life. What I mean by that is I've never worked set schedule and I'm always looking for the next thing to throw in there. When I can schedule in five meetings in a day and make all of them, oh boy what a rush, I feel like super woman. So when I have an open schedule the sadness that fills my body is overwhelming. And if every day was the same I would go insane.
I grew up in a household of unknowns. No one talked about anything. When an event would happen it would then exist in the past, but we need'nt talk about it since we're in the present. Being told that lazy was a bad thing, that failure was terror. My sister failing a grade left such a stamp on me because it was a known thing, a bad thing, that my sister did. So I strived to work hard at everything in order not to disappoint anyone. With that in mind I overworked myself by taking on a job or two, on top of after school activities (I was on the basketball team in grade eleven... what?), sprinkled in with weekend activities. Go, Go, Go, because stopping was bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.
No wonder I have a problem slowing down.
The downfall is all this has ended me with falling constantly for things that aren't consistent. We've all heard the phrase 'nice guys finish last', or that 'they always like the bad guy'. The nice guy is comfort, the nice guy is expected, the nice guy never fails, the nice guy is boring. The bad guy is exciting, you never know what the bad guy might do next ,or NOT do. I become addicted to the uncertainty. Taking every loss so personally, when I didn't get what I wanted, what I needed, I would turn into myself and start to believe 'they must think I'm a terrible human and don't deserve anything'. MENTAL HEALTH IS FUUUUUUUN. But because it's so inconsistent, that when the lottery spins in my favour, and I do get what I want, it's such a high.
I can list all the people in my life I've had strong feelings for and they all have this in common. The ability to be there when it's convenient for them, and you never know when it will happen. I can pull up memories like a filing cabinet is sitting in the back of my brain. Oddly though there's a lot I don't remember, so it's the heavy ones that stick. The first one I fell for was a shock because I didn't think it was possible for me to have romantic feelings. The next two were twins in a sense that it followed the exact same stages. The bad one never followed through with any of his words. The newest one I rarely knew when I would see, so when I did it created such a rush inside of me. It hurts to see how simply I am drawn in.
I want to help those that need it. I've fallen into many deep traps with friendships that have died when I was no longer useful for them. I sink my teeth into someone who mists off the scent of help. I hold it so tightly in my heart because I want everyone to know that they are loved, and I have so much love to give. I am stubborn and therefore want to fight anyone who says 'they can't be helped' or that 'they just are no good'. I have way too high of faith in humanity.
So here is my list of warning signs for me to note.
Doesn't actively make time for you
Makes it your fault that something doesn't work out
Won't take you up on offers to be included in your life
Steps in to seem like a hero, until that no longer serves a purpose for them
Gets upset when you have other plans that don't include them
I really could go on. And it's funny, because when I read them out I'm like 'girl you're delusional if you let anyone says they love you treat you like that who'. This has been a repeat customer in my convenience store heart.
It's so exciting to not be appreciated. Right? Just a fun reminder that you don't deserve it, right?
I'm going forward with a sense of understanding and self-awareness. I know that only I have the power to decide how someone treats me. I don't need someone else to validate my existence. That alls stems from inside.
So if my heart craves the adventure of the unexpected then I should hold onto the parts of my identity that satisfies that crave without it being detrimental. Being poly really helps with that. Especially with supportive partners who ask you how your date went, and listen to you when it's a bad one, but get excited when it's good. I can still get the excitement of the unexpected, while being in healthy relationships.
An exercise that I do often is to imagine myself my friend in my head. I think 'if my friend was in this situation what would I say to them'. A lot of the time it can help. But it's also not easy to be nice to yourself. My brain is a screaming void, and I do not suggest when mind reading becomes a thing, listening into my thoughts.