• Hools

Anger bubbles seize to simmer

I have a problem. I hate monogamy.


Alright, so hate is a strong word. And it's not some much the concept of monogamy. It's the culture. Any time I think of someone wanting to find 'the one' to be with forever, my stomach flips over like I'm on a ride at Canada's Wonderland. It feels so suffocating. Finding the one. I think it ends up getting to a point of 'well, this is the best I can do so guess we're stuck with each other' or the worse part of 'if they want to sleep with someone, or have sex on a drunken night then that's it, we're done'. That's it then.... guess there's no talking... guess it's the WORST thing ever. I hate to break it to you hun, the cheating isn't the problem, there were problems before that happened


I think maybe I listen to too many relationship podcasts. I don't even know why. I think I'm fascinated by relationships, not just sexual or romantic, but emotional, creative, platonic. All around people loving people. And how sometimes you can be so very emotionally compatible, but in a romantic way your love languages clash, and there's no way to work around it. Or he idea that sometimes two people are just not meant to have any sort of relationship, sometimes nothing lines up and we need to stop forcing something when there is nothing, learn to walk away. And sometimes two people date, realize there's really nothing there that way, but intellectually they match so well there's no reason not to be a part of someone's life. AND THAT'S OKAY.


Our society is surrounded by the construct of monogamy, it's the norm, that everyone falls into. Time and time again I hear people who go 'polyamory? I don't know how you don't get jealous'. My simple answer is: I yell in their face "It's called fucking TRUST", I also don't want to take away the fact that it doesn't mean jealousy ISN'T there. But if you can't trust your partner enough to be in the same room as a women they slept with a year ago, and they say there's nothing there... I do not pity you.


Maybe I trust too easily, and that's why I keep getting hurt? Though I've never been monogamous, I've also never had someone actually cheat on me. Cheating in a poly relationship can still happen. Your partner is sleeping with your best friend, while they're both lying to you about it, or other examples I'm too naive to come up with. I have also not been dating long enough for someone to do that to me, even if I've had my fair share of other shit. Mostly I date people who realize I'm too much and then they stop talking to me as if having a conversation isn't a possible outcome. HAHAHA... Enough about my trauma....


I'm just so very tired of the culture. The 'How do you know if your man is cheating on you' bullshit. The 'Well he won't be exclusive because he wants to weigh out his options' aggravation. If that's what he wants, and you don't want that, then go date someone else?! I know I've been lucky with my partners. It's also been work to get to where I am, work I want to put in, a relationship doesn't just happen and everything is fine. I cannot express just how wonderful it feels being included in a life of not just one person, but the people they also love, knowing full well the love they have for you doesn't diminish when their hand is on someone else's thigh for that moment. Take a fucking chill pill. SURE, sure, if I were dating someone who paid attention to someone else the whole time, never looked at me in the eyes, or touched my hand, or checked in on me the entire night, MAYBE it's not a problem about my trust, MAYBE they just don't have the capacity to be in multiple relationships, but being monogamous isn't going to change that. They just sound like a terrible partner... SAWRIE ABOUT IT.


Side note: can I also just say the idea that one of my partners marrying their other partner gives me great joy thinking about being at the wedding and witnessing that bond, when I usually hate weddings. To be included that way... you just can't have that in a monogamous relationship, and I can't explain it properly. So, take a moment to ingest that, my monogamous friends... though I don't know if any of my readers are not poly... or if I have any readers. HA.


The classic 'girl's gotta choose' narrative makes me angry. If someone said 'either me or your best friend', I'd be like 'kay peace see ya never'. Don't make me choose someone over you. I have such a capacity to love the people in my life that matter to me, I don't ever see it as a competition. I only ask for honesty. I will believe that you're telling me the truth until proven guilty, I guess my core belief lines up with the judicial system? No. What I mean is, until I discover something you said is a lie, I'll believe whatever you tell me. Once that trust has been cracked, that's when I break. Because then I look at everything you say as a lie, or a way to dissuade the actual truth, and... well... I get a little crazy. We're not going to go there though because... TOO SOOOOOON.


I guess for me I get angry at my monogamous friends who go 'multiple partners? How do you keep them apart?'. How the fuck do you keep your friends apart? That's what Google Keep is for... jokes. I can tell my partners apart because *gasp* THEY ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Also, the amount of love I have for one partner doesn't diminish the amount of love I have for another partner. Sure, am I at different stages of a relationship with each partner? Yes. But it's not like I'm with partner A, being like 'Oh my god I don't love them the way I love partner B, what's wrong with me'. Relationships grow differently, I assume like plants... though I've never kept a plant alive so.... oops.


I don't like anger, and I don't like how I feel about monogamy right now, because I know it's not fair. It's not fair when I hear someone say 'I just want one boyfriend, how come you get to have three', for me to get mad, as if 'oh I have this thing about me, everyone wants a piece'. I've been single for 27 years, give me a break. I don't want to be mad at my monogamous friends who now think I'm SO COOL. I'm not polyamorous because it's cool, or because I have so many options I just date everyone (though, I mean, if you're interested, I will date you, HMU). And it's not easier because 'well hey if one of them can't be there I'll just call another one...' I think for me I would prefer if my monogamous friends looked at their monogamy for a moment and thought about why. The real reason 'why'. Is it because that's what you grew up knowing, or truly does that just work best for you. Because for me, I stayed single for so long because monogamy seemed to be the only option, and I just can't do that.


Plus, not a single one of my partners will provide me with the love I receive from my cat... so...

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