• Hools

Authenticity in the Breath of Reality

I've never really been a person to fit into the status quo. I've never cared to look a certain way, or say a certain thing to fit in. Though of course I have anxiety around people liking me, and for a while convinced myself everyone hated me no matter what I did, I've always been true to the person that I am. At least in some way. I've always been considered 'weird', which I've never had a problem with, though I don't know if that's the right description, it's more that I live outside the norm.

I remember in high school I made a friend (what?!) and for the first couple weeks we ate lunch together every day. She wanted to join cheerleading so I also tried out with her. We were on the field cheerleading team together, but after she made the team she completely changed everything about her. All of a sudden she would come to school with pin straight hair every day, when she had a head of beautiful, natural curls. I never saw her again without make-up. I stayed the same as I was, though I did get a perm (I think this was me again trying to be different, and not for any form of 'beauty' standards but just to be like 'here's something I did'). I wasn't considered 'pretty' for a girl, so she stopped being friends with me.

I was close friends with a guy in my band class. We were both weird. I can't remember what instrument he played. Our relationship was completely platonic, we had fun joking together. One day I ran into him in the hallway and he pushed me against the wall and told me never to talk to him again. He started wearing Holister and American Eagle shirts. The funny thing about that now is he was the brother of my best friend and the son of my music teacher. Yet, I doubt he even remembers ever being friends with me. Part of me knows both of my former friends left because they were envious how I could just be who I was without any real concern. I never decided 'oh hey people don't like me so I need to change', even if I had decided 'people don't like me'.

For a very long time I didn't date because I had convinced myself no one would want to be seen with me, so I told myself it was because I was too busy. I hoped that I might find someone with a free spirit who would see past my hesitation to date and want to talk for hours with each other about all things life and love. But because I had this wall up I had zero interest presented towards me, and honestly I think maybe I was too intimidating for anyone to approach me that way. I've been told that I'm 'too much' way too often to feel like there's a point in me imposing myself in someone's life.

I'm afraid I feel differently than a lot of people, and then I'm afraid maybe I'm just making that up. I live a double life inside my brain. One side is allowing me to be who I am while the other is telling me maybe I have always been 'trying' to be this person, so I end up falling in a spiral of not knowing exactly what is real. It's suffocating to an extent. I had a conversation with my therapist last week about how I don't know if my existence of being poly is just me also trying to be different. Though I know the logical part of my brain feels so much freedom that I've never felt when thinking about monogamy. It's a deep rooted imposter syndrome embedded in my subconscious, and i'm unable to escape it. I don't know what part of me is true.

When I think of the person I am with a partner vs the person I am at work vs the person I am around my friends, or when I'm exhausted or feeling ecstatic, to me they're all so different. I think the surface of that just means I'm a multifaceted person, but I've been living in this brain for so long I don't know what's authentic, and what's coloured over my skin as a camouflage, especially in the love department. I stayed away from it for so long that I haven't had a chance to be who I really am and end up in a position of filling a spot that's been engrained in me by fictional entertainment. So what if one day I wake up and start acting how I feel is truly me and someone says 'you're a completely different person, I don't know you any more' and my only answer is 'this has always been me'. I'm afraid of people not wanting whatever that is, even if maybe I've always been me...

Is this post fucking with your brain? I think these late night shifts are messing with my brain a bit. But whatever. I now have a blackout curtain and new pillows, so I sleep whenever. I am who I am, even if grammatically this post is probably a nightmare. Have I lost you yet? 

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