Conversations with me as I try to date
Dating isn't easy. I avoided it for almost 27 years. It was a nice 27 years of living in isolation, and avoidance did me well. Though now being thrown into the thick of it I feel like a kinder-gardener who is just learning to walk. I've learned many things in the last year that I feel I could have been better at handling if I had the experience.
Right now I'm happily in two relationships with wonderful humans who provide very different things in my life that I need. Bleh. Need. I'm learning that as a human, needing things is something I must acknowledge. ANYWAY. I sort of just fell into both relationships like a water slide, all of a sudden I was in the pool. I like the pool, and I'm happy to stay here, I'm just not sure how to get into the pool with other people.
So, here are a few things that I've realized I am seeking, though not quite sure how to really start that conversation and therefore I am blogging about it because talking to people is hard.
Hi, I like you, let's try and see what that means?
How do you start that conversation without feeling like you're giving away your cards
Being asexual I fear that saying 'I like you' means something different than most people think. I get afraid of someone assuming that's me wanting to jump on their body in all the sexy ways people see in movies or whatever. Mostly I just want to hold hands and be kissed on the forehead with admiration.
What if they don't like me... Which is super hard for me to accept. I spent a good 20 years believing no one wanted to be friends with me because they hated me. So it's hard to get over that. Especially when I have so many people say 'what, everyone loves you Hools'. And I want to be like 'OH REALLY THAN HOW COME NO ONE WANTS TO LIE IN BED AND CUDDLE ME TO SLEEP!'
A lot of people are bad with romance vs friendship. I think I have a pretty good grasp of what that is. I'm more than happy to move a friendship into a romantic place as long as we're on the ground that we can talk about it as we both grow together. I have the emotional maturity to return to a friendship if the romance doesn't work out, but the other person has to be able to do that too. A lot of people feel like they could, until they're presented with the option. And most people won't put in the work that it takes to talk about things. Communication is hard, takes time and effort that might feel moot, but in the long run is so very important.
Okay, we both like each other, but will you be able to deal with my mental health
I will actively try to scare you away, but mostly because I want you to see my worst so it doesn't feel like it comes out of nowhere once you're in love with me. I won't trap you.
I need active attention. Like... every day text messages... to know what you're doing and who you're with. And it's not because of a jealousy thing, I just want to feel included in your life. I want to know when you're out with your friends you're having a blast playing skee-ball at tilt. When I don't know what you're doing I start to feel abandoned. My brain is a terrifying, imaginative place.
I will continually tell you I am trash/human garbage/a waste of space, and you'll need to tell me that I'm not, without that being a burden to you. It's not that I don't trust you when you tell me that I'm wonderful, and provide so much love, it's just that when I'm depressed I only see a black hole.
Know that my mental health isn't a reflection about how I feel about you. That takes a really strong person to know, but that's also why I feel it's impossible to even get to this place with anyone.
I'm dating other people, but that doesn't make you any less value in my life
I had my first experience of being presented with the idea of being poly as a negative thing recently with someone I'm dating and I didn't realize how much it hurt me to hear. I guess for me polyamory just makes so much sense, so I can't really understand people who are so very inherently monogamous because it feels like a lie perpetrated by society that is clouding ones openness to see the truth.
The value that each person has in my life is so different but also I don't hold anyone to a higher pedestal than the other. Or I should say, I have levels of people. There are people on the lower level, who I still care about but aren't right near the peak, there are people below that who I know and don't think about until I maybe run into them in passing. But those who I keep on the highest level are on equal ground with each other. It feels so special to me that anyone is on that level with me. But I guess everyone wants to feel the most special, the most important? And that's really hard for me to accept.
I have so much capacity to love, if others don't... that's not on me?
I will love and cherish you until you give me a reason not to
I have a beautiful heart that I've given to a lot of people who have ripped it up and spat it out. But that won't stop me from giving it to more people, because I have found people who also hold it so gently. And those people mean so much to me.
I am in. I don't 'casual'. Even with friendships. When I say I love you, I really mean it. You are in my life. It's why I can't just have someone half in my life when it's convenient. There's no permanency with that. Maybe it's my abandonment issues... but I also don't think it's a negative thing to hold on to the people that matter. With that it stops me from being able to have anyone in my life in a casual way. I can't have people coming and going. Sure, I can see someone and not hear from them for six months, when I know we'll catch up and everything will be great. But that's different than someone who uses me for their own excitement in the moment, only to forget I exist until it's a good time for them. I'm a person, not a hologram (I just recently watched Star Wars, so that's my frame of reference for a bit)
So uh, yeah. If reading any of that hasn't scared you away, or you've fallen more in love with me while reading, let me know. I'm here....