• Hools

Dates on Dates on Dates on--

This week I socially engaged with four separate people.

Why am I reaching for new connections when I already have so many strong ones with the people in my life.

Being asexual I constantly find myself in a place where I can't explain to people that my friends are different than my romances. "Oh well you don't feel sexual attraction so why do you need someone that way?" But it's just different. I don't even know if I have the words for it anymore.

Yet I guess I AM looking for something from dating that I'm aware I can't get from a friend.

I had a panic attack last night after getting off a video chat with my partner, because although we video with each other 1-3 hours a night, I haven't been in his arms since February. So I lay in bed just holding myself knowing that I don't have anyone to hold me, despite the multiple people I fraternized with this week. Thinking about how I lay in FWB's arms at the beginning of the week, but all I wanted was the one I'm most comfortable with. His arms are different, and my FWB's arms weren't the ones I wanted.

Did it feel nice to be held? Sure.... But I think of it as a sample, before getting the whole thing. I'm sampling parts, but it's not the entire package. I know I desperately just want to be in his arms. And within my spiral I travel to the last time I felt comfortable in someone's arms that I loved and my heart breaks. Because it wasn't with my current partner. It was with the one who decided that trying a bit was too much to keep me around wasn't worth it. Acknowledging that I no longer have that because I just wanted a little bit too much... and knowing that he gets to have that with others right now, while I curl up in bed alone, unable to breathe through my snot nose.

When I get like this I always shut off my phone because I'm afraid of a) posting something I'll regret and b) reaching out to people I shouldn't. Also, it's usually at two AM, and I know if I reach out to someone they won't respond right away so I'll spiral in the being of not feeling like I exist.

Perhaps my brain is aware that I'm reaching out, to others, to get what I want, from someone I can't get it from. I have multiple people messaging me and telling me they want to cuddle, but I have little interest or engagement for the most part. So I end up forcing myself to try. Is that worse? Probably.

I think back to simpler times. When I was not dating actively. I was happy right? Though I'm happy now in a different way. My current, and only partner, gives me the warm fuzzies through the simple act of video chatting just to see my face. I am grateful he is in my life. But was it better when I didn't have that, when I truly only needed to rely on myself? When I didn't whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted?

I have a lot of love to give, and in that way I realize poly is the only option for me. But perhaps it's because I have conditioned my mind to believe I can't get what I need nor can I GIVE what is needed to one person. Let's put aside the fact that I'm negating friend love, emotional love, etc. Because yes, I do get a LOT from my friends. But I also don't ASK for a lot from them in the same way I NEED it from a romantic partner. And yet, my therapist mentioned the other day a two sentence statement that made me realize I have in fact limited myself based on my own bias on myself. He said:

"What you want is to be a priority in someone's life. But you also want be to allowed your own Independence."

It really resonated with me, mostly because I've told myself I CAN'T have that 100%. While he challenged me by saying that I can. So if I just put myself out there that way then it should come?? And that brings us back to dating. I think mostly my issue is that I don't put 'dating' above a lot of other things. It's not a priority for me because I submit to not getting what I want. For if I truly believed I could have said thing maybe it would be a stronger want??

'They' also say if you stop looking it will come? Which I do believe because the last four people I dated sort of just fell into my life. I was so focused on my show, getting over my ex, and being able to afford living, that I WASN'T looking. I've said this before, but I really don't believe I would be dating my current partner if we had met in a date like setting. And with that I'm happy that those expectations weren't put upon him, because he certainly wouldn't have received my address in a text message that night had I gone into meeting him thinking about dating.

So then do I keep dating the multiple casual people in my current text message exchanges? Or do I just wait. Though... during a pandemic... how does one ORGANICALLY meet someone? And let's consider the fact that I'm never that person someone is interested in that way... and we have me, crying in my bed alone at two am, holding myself, and wishing they were the arms of the one I love.

Now what?

I know I ramble a lot, and it doesn't make sense, but if you're interested in hearing me vocally ramble, feel free to check out my radio show that airs every other week on Alphabet Radio, The show is called 'Aced It'

And as always, feel free to follow me on the 'gram @Holly_amorous

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