There's something really difficult about meeting new people. I've probably met some of my closest friends in just the last year. I've been with my partners both less than a year. So it's something I'm capable of, and yet I have no faith in myself for the future.
Maybe it's a headspace that I'm in, which allows me to see people in a brighter light. I mean, doesn't it always come down to timing? I think about some of my closest friends and know that had I just said no to an event, or a coffee, or a karaoke invite, I wouldn't have the relationships I have today. That un-stabilizing thought of it all coming down to being in the right place at the right time. If I didn't sign up for that improv class nine months after the first one that was so terrible, I wouldn't have met someone who is a huge supporter of my art and friend, even though we like to pretend we're enemies.
So perhaps that's why it's hard when you do PLAN those kind of meet-ups, where the only thing that could have changed would be if you had said no to meeting up with someone you started chatting with online.
Online dating for me has been.... quite unsuccessful, to the point I fully believe I'm not meant to meet anyone that way. Because of our society today, and the obsession with dating apps being the new form of 'finding the one' (barf), I fall into that same hole I've lived in for most of my life, the 'you can't do the things others can' hole. Starting off of course with my asexuality, or maybe even further back to being a child of divorce and seeing my friends happy families living together, vacationing together, something I would never have.
I want to be hopeful, but every time I walk away from a first date with someone I end up feeling worse. Either because I know how awesome I am and the person I met was a dud, then I feel bad because they're super interested in the awesome person I am and I have to be the one to break it to them lightly it just isn't going to work (I don't ghost, alright). Or... I don't know the or... I guess I try and force a couple more dates before I realize I'm just forcing something out of nothing. I am nothing, is what it eventually comes down to.
I was talking recently with a friend about constantly getting your hopes up and then being deflated when either it's not a match, or some unfortunate circumstances come up that change the narrative. In the same day, the conversation of me planning my life for me, instead of including others, has made me realize I've lost that hope. Because if I don't plan around anyone else, then I won't get disappointed by people, just myself. I'm okay with disappointing myself. I don't think it's a bad thing to get excited about something, but I can't tell you the last time I was excited about... something.
I remember the first time my partner kissed me. I remember biking home with this big goofy grin on my face, while my heart was flying so high. I suppose you can say that was excitement. Most of the time I would kiss someone and walk away wiping off my mouth, so it was rare for this feeling to exist. And it's not something I could really plan. I don't know if it's something I can ever imagine happening again, though I suppose I never thought it would happen then.
There's a certain allure to the unknown, the excitement of the new, that I've heard often about. For me I feel sick. For me I think of the unknown and I already have written the ending. Perhaps that's simply trauma from my ex, who sparked such exciting energy in me, and then floated away before I even knew the balloon was filled with helium. I'm afraid of the pop. I'd rather not venture into the unknown.
I like being poly because then I don't have to put the pressure on one person to be that one thing fuelling my excitement. And I still fall into that category when my mind won't stop thinking about one person. I don't know how to get my fix, and it starts to drain my entire body. So I try to get ahead of it by forcing other connections (ie. online dating), when I know I'm not capable of that.
I've been sick the last week, so the thought of dating anyone else has been very far back in my mind. I've closed all my dating apps, though I'll probably download them again when I have nothing to do while I watch a movie I'm bored of. I'm so afraid of the unknown I can give myself panic attacks just thinking about meeting up with someone. I envy those who go out every other night with someone new.
Maybe it would just be better if I resigned to the fact I'd be better as a hermit because then I wouldn't have to worry about ruining someone's day/week/life.