• Hools

Falling in Love in Isolation

NAW, imagine.

I am hardly in the market for love right now, LESGITREEL. I'm still recovering from my heartbreak and the knowledge that nothing is what I believed it was for the last half of the year, it's tripping greatly with my psyche. I had a dissociative episode the other night. This has never happened to me, I'm told it's a trauma response to fight or flight. I definitely wanted to flight.

BUT, on another note, I've been hearing a few of my friends who are getting out there while staying in. Myself included I suppose. It's a weird thing that's happening right now and our brains are clinging to anything that might be stabilizing. Like the idea that someone wants to hear from you, and will text you back, because what else are we doing. Girl, if he ain't texting you back right now, while this is happening, MOVE ON.

I have to be very patient with myself at this time, but the stubborn part of me wants to fight hard. I grew up being told that I couldn't do things, that everyone has a breaking point, and I fought against that idea through all of college. I was told to never give up, in the end that hurt me more than anything else. Sometimes you have to give up in order to move on and heal properly. I'm still learning what that is.

So, where does that leave us. Many people reaching out to their ex's because the last time they've had any sort of intimacy was with them and they don't know how to get it elsewhere. I mean, I even thought of re-adding my ex on facebook, but we were never really friends so what would be the point. As a way to be like 'look, I'm okay now, please don't be afraid of me'. I'm very scary. When I think of his immediate reaction to seeing me, ever, it's hilarious, and also hurtful. I'm a loose cannon I guess.

Luckily I have a lot of people in my life who remind me that I'm good. Of course my childhood trauma brain is finding any way to turn those people into a place that they are only saying 'I'm good' because... etc. I have a list of people on my white board that I wake up to everyday and look at to remind me that I'm loved. This list isn't even complete, it's probably only about 50% of the people I could think of when I had the marker in my hand. On top of the extra 50%, there's also been a bunch of people who I wouldn't expect to have reached out to me with their kind words of love. I am loved, there's no question there. But during my episode my brain decided every single person on that whiteboard either wouldn't understand if I reached out, or actually hates me. It was very difficult.

So, I caved into the two people I'm texting right now that I've hardly met. Two strangers, in order to manipulate a conversation with someone who doesn't really know me, and find another way to make me better. My episode ended up being spun off of an experience with one of them. Not that they did anything wrong, hardly, in fact the opposite. It was a very lovely experience, and were I in a better head place (the world wasn't ending), it would have been exactly what I needed. But all the matters at hand, adding to reliving certain experiences based on circumstance that were triggering, I crashed. I started to believe that I was a deceptive monster who didn't deserve the touch of a kind individual. I didn't deserve to be respected.

I'm at an impasse with my actions because on one hand I feel like it was spun out of me pushing myself, as explained above, because I can do what I want and I am strong enough to push more than anyone else. And in the same breath I'm giving friends advice to keep up their attachments or interactions with new humans. We are craving some sort of controlled excitement, an oxymoron for sure. Why is it that I beat myself up for the things I praise others in. I don't allow myself the same freedom and love that those in my life receive from me. When will I truly love myself again?

I suppose mostly I'm afraid of my new interaction. I'm afraid of getting involved without my heart being in it because right now it's off at the factory being reconfigured into something stronger. Last September, I was so in love, with everyone, and every thing. It's depressing to see where I'm at now, when the reality is that I'm mature and wise about the delusions of the chance at living an openly poly lifestyle, which have since all fallen apart except the one.

I'm also afraid because deep within myself I know I never want to be WITH someone. As in the pea to my pod, the person I settle in with while also having exterior interactions. I've mentioned this in a few of my past posts, I'm a relationship anarchist. But I still require interest and passion. Is it wrong of me to ask for the love, without the attachment? I fear the attachment. I want to love, be loved, and then also live my life outside of that. I think that's a lot of what my issue was with my previous lover. I was consumed by our time together. I cancelled all my plans the moment he would text me to come over, when I wasn't being offered the same respect. Not that I would want someone to cancel their plans for me, but we weren't on an even playing field, and it started to eat away at me. Mostly because I was obsessed. I liked the obsession, I liked being around him all the time, I liked the lack of responsibility I had because I knew I had him so nothing else mattered. Anyone who knew me before my relationship with him would be like... who is this person... what happened to hools?

I'm not trying to write this as if it was a bad thing, our relationship was what it was and it'll always be in my heart. My only regret is that we never had a chance to talk about the falling out, and perhaps we're both too hurt to right now, or maybe we just never will talk. Not talking is what triggers my trauma, so I have to not think about it, or I'll (as an example of earlier this week) go crazy.

I don't intend to find love right now. I know I'm hurting. My friend had said 'it sucks going through a break up right now because you can't go out there and get that attention to make you feel like you're worth something'. Not that I've EVER got that attention. I'm generally the 'girl' that blends into the background in a club, or at a party. I go unnoticed. I blame my sexuality for it, though that's not fair, but anyone who is asexual would understand that I just don't have that 'looking for' quality that I guess breeds off of people in social situations. The only time that I've been able to turn that on, for sure I've got the attention, but it was at times of need for it. Perhaps then it's good that I can't go get smashed at a club and end up in the back seat of my car in Montreal mid-January naked with a stranger.

Honestly, I really shouldn't be dating right now (and I mean that as a 'NEW' dating, because I'm very happy with my current relationship). But they give me the attention I'm lacking, and I hate to say maybe I need right now. Is that wrong? As long as I stay truthful to both parties involved?

What have you been doing for your love? Have you ever experienced disassociation? Comment below or shoot me a message: @holly_amorous

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