• Hools

Getting What You Need

Needs are weird. I mean, sure we NEED to eat and stay hydrated or we could literally die. We NEED to breathe. But there are also less life threatening needs that we forget we are allowed to ask for because in the end it won't actually kill us if we don't get it, or will it?

I've been single for 27 years (blah blah blah, yeah Hools you've mentioned it every single blog, shut up). But I have a point this time yelling brain ! I've spent so long being single, that at this point I could live without anyone and ultimately I know I'll be okay. But, I still WANT someone. With that being said, if I'm going to have someone in my life then they better fucking be a nice addition, and not for the purpose of filling some sort of hole. I am SO good at being independent I know that I can survive without someone. I know I am whole without another person.

I know a lot of people who are serial daters, who legit haven't been alone since their balls dropped, maybe even earlier than that. I get it, to each their own, but that thought really turns my insides. That you're so afraid of you're own thoughts that you can't be without another person to distract yourself. CAN'T being the opportune word here, in which you've put that in your own head. But I shouldn't psychoanalyze, for I only have but a diploma in musical theater, what do I really know? I look at those who I've never known to be single the whole time I've known them and it scares me.

For two reasons. One, the need for someone else is so ingrained in you that even the thought of not having someone spins you into a dark and terrible place. You could just be like me and still spin into a dark place, without the need for someone else!! WOOO. The second reason is selfish. Because I have judged myself so harshly. I see myself and think that I must not be good enough to date, because every time I try to there's always a problem. The people who always have someone... have someone because they are clearly better than me... right? That's the only logical explanation. But the truth is perhaps I'm TOO good at being alone I don't know HOW to be with someone.

And that falls into my needs. It's hard for me to NEED something from someone because I'm so good at meeting my own needs without anyone else's help. Yet, there's such a deep internal thought where I do want to be taken care of. I just have to know what that looks like. So when I'm presented with a platter of comfort I strip away my protection, only for that platter to disappear unannounced, it makes me feel like I'll never be able to be unprotected again.

When someone tells me that they are there for me, that they want to be able to give me what I need, and protect me from my trauma, and help me heal, I want to believe them. Only then my brain does an entire 180 because time and time again I'm disappointed when I ask for that and get pushed into a hole. In the dark I become gas-lit into believing that I was never allowed to need that.

With that being said, I'm trying to figure out what is even true, and what out of the fantasy world is possible to actually have in a partnership. If I'm not getting that, I'm allowed to walk away. I'm allowed. Yet I always feel selfish for putting my own needs first. I don't even think it's that much to ask for, but alas, you may be the judge.

Hools list of needs

  • Respect (lol, you'd think that would be assumed but...)

  • Communication (If I ask you what you're doing, just like... respond??)

  • Attention (yup, I hate that I need this, but if I do a thing I need you to react, I need you to read it, I need you to watch it, I need you to listen to what I'm making and give me a fucking response)

  • Time for myself (jesus, please, let me do my own thing without feeling guilty for it)

  • Interest (This goes along with the attention thing, but I need you to be interested in me, and what I'm doing, and care to ask about it, for I return that interest, because DUH I like you...)

I don't think it's a lot, hardly. I'm sure there's others that kind of are subcategories. But if these basic needs aren't being met, I don't have to feel guilty for asking for them, and then walking away when I'm not getting them.

ISSSS this blog just stemming from my own stew of thoughts as I spiral. I have to constantly talk with my friends to remind me I'M NOT CRAZY. My friends validate me, thank the lord. But... there's only so many times I can say 'This wasn't bad of me to do right?' that they'll keep listening to/responding to, right? Or at least that's the way my mind works, for I would hate to drive a friend away because I can't feel sane inside my own brain.

I've walked away from a lot of people because of my needs not being met. In fact, though I'm usually heartbroken from it, I'm always the one to walk away. It hurts because it reminds me that I'm too much. Or at least that's what it feels like. It feels like me asking 'hey, you need to text me more, and actually want to hang out', is too much to ask. Though I suppose in our fast paced busy world (covid-era aside) me asking for that is taking up too much time that could be used for... I don't even know. I don't know. I ask for time, because time is the only thing that I don't feel too guilty to ask for, and I can't even get that... where does that leave me? Mostly single, and alone. This is why I'm poly I guess, so I can find multiple people who can only handle me around in doses...

I know I haven't been the most active on this blog, this pandemic puts me in a mindset of not feeling like any of my words really matter, anyway. You can stay updated by putting your email address below (so I can scream into your inbox), or follow me @holly_amorous on the insta!

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