Haters gonna Hate
I don't know if I know what the feeling of hate feels like. For sure, I'm guilty of screaming 'OH MY GOD I HATE THEM SO MUCH' over many of the years I've existed. Whether that's someone who got cast in a role I wanted, a bad review or Trump, I have screamed it, but never felt it deep down.
I know what love feels like. I love love. I also hate love. You'll hear me say hate a lot. I'm sorry I'm a walking contradiction. I also change my mind 50 times a day and think I'm amazing, but hate myself. My brain is so so fun. As for the feeling of love, it's so nice. When I think about my partner some days I just smile and get really giddy. No one is around, I'm not looking at a photo or anything, just thinking of him and I smile. I also feel that love when I hear a friend who expresses something amazing that just happened to them. It glows out of my heart and flows through all my veins. I FEEL it.
But hate. I don't think I've heard someone's name and had an explosion of anger at the thought. I've definitely felt immediate sadness, or discomfort, or worse, fear. I have just never spent too much time thinking about the end of someone, or some thing. I have felt broken, but it was never from hate.
I used to really separate things into categories. You are this or you are this. Over the years of therapy I have discovered the ability to break that apart. Sure, I slip into my old ways often. Especially when anxiety likes to rear it's ugly head.
'Oh hey, yeah you're worthless and no one loves you and honestly you've tricked everyone in your life into loving you'.
What a cunt. (Sorry, been hanging with a british lad who uses that word... for other reasons ;))
My anxiety falls into it's premature status that I so keenly developed from childhood. My mother is still a huge contender of exactly that, black and white thinking. I can't talk with her, for I mostly don't, because of that. I remember when I would face time with her years ago and bring up someone who upset me or hurt me and she would immediately be like 'them, they are terrible. I hate them. I can't believe they did that to you'. And I would want to protest, but young lil me thought mama knows best. Oh how silly our juvenile brain can be.
I'm currently in a predicament with someone I still love who hurt me dearly. As much as the supportive people in my life constantly say 'I hate him', there's still so much of me that can't feel that, despite all the (for lack of a better word) abuse. I will always hope for the good, I will believe that it will overcome. Mostly I blame media for that, along with the idea that love means someone is obsessed with you and showers you in everything. Fuck the media. But even knowing that, I want to think that we will all learn and be better? But also people die before ever coming to terms with anything they've done.
Call me a dumbass. That would be fair. It's such a conflict inside of me. Perhaps it comes from the fact that I have fought my whole life to make sure no one hated me, as if that's some kind of reward. As I age I realize more and more it's impossible for that to be actual. People just don't get along with some people, some times people are just not meant to be together, that just... is. We fight too hard for those who don't like us, only will we realize too late that we wasted way too much time on someone who was never worth the trouble.
And with polyamory (because I do think this is a blog about being polyamorous right?) I sometimes wonder, if it's possible for humans to hate multiple people, then shouldn't polyamory, being the opposite of that, be more common and accepted?
I'm doing relatively stable most days. Sure, did I have a mini meltdown/panic attack before bed about how I am a monster who ruins people? Who can tell, who can tell... mostly I weaponize my mental health, I guess. But over all I think back to who I was last year vs this year, and I'm much more stable. Sure, I started my meds, that probably helped, despite having to use drugs to stabilize, I am glad for where I sit.
I think instead of hate there are many things I dislike, and even then I don't have a strong dislike for anything. Hilariously when people ask 'do you have any food preferences?' I can tell you what I dislike, but if it's part of a dish, I'll still eat it. When I think of the ex I wrote a show about - Kit - I never actually hated him. Perhaps there were moments I wanted to scream and tear his face off, but I never actually wanted to hurt him. I just wanted to talk to him, mostly I always just want to talk it out, but I realize talking sometimes makes it worse, and with Kit it ended up needing time. I got over any feeling of obsession or dislike or anger towards him over time (do I hate that it took a couple years? - I don't hate it but I'm not happy about it).
(CW: Sexual abuse)
I don't even hate the people who sexually abused me. Maybe I did once? But maybe that's why I don't actively 'hate', because the feeling is fleeting. I was angry at my most recent sexual abuser (let's call him Joker) because he was an ignorant dumbass who knew he made a terrible mistake, and then refused to confront what happened by ghosting. For the most part. I was pretty shook up after what happened, and when I saw Joker at karaoke bars months after, it was difficult. And I disliked his stupid smile. Because when I see an abuser smile, though it may be them covering up the hate they have for themselves, all I read is 'I didn't do anything wrong'. Sorry Joker but you fucked me in the ass when I didn't want it... that was wrong...
(cut to here to avoid CW)
Even when I say 'I hate babies' or 'I hate dogs' it's never true.
So I guess when it comes down to it I'm just a liar...?
Thanks for reading....
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