Healing with Forgiveness
I recently received a letter from an ex. A letter in which I never thought I would ever receive. Albeit it was at 2am, but nonetheless, the sentiment and the (though not necessarily this word but) bravery to send it to me was quite lovely. I say bravery because I am a force, I couldn't imagine dating me. I am justly aware of situations, and I demand conversation. This, I realize through many relationships, is not easy, nor accessible for many.
It's taken me a very long process of therapy and medication to get to that point, and I'm grateful to have done the work, while I'm aware there is so much more work left to do. I remember this specific person said that they were scared of how open and public I am with my life, while they hide everything away, which was something I personally didn't like.
Realizing now that it says a lot about me in how I'm more interested in someone who's got an active social media presence... I must say, when I say that it's more about sharing themselves with the world then constantly posting shit. But I also fell into the trap of falling for someone who was lying about their life online while it seemed true, I found the thought-to-be honesty so compelling. Alas, it was my downfall. Maybe I should just live alone in the woods...
After reading this letter, just like the human they know me to be, I immediately told all my close friends about it. It was a weird week. In the same day I found out some pretty disturbing news about my other ex, and so I ended up ordering a poutine. Food therapy is real. It was interesting the response I got about this letter. Almost everyone asked me how I was feeling/was I okay. This struck me as odd because it was clearly an apology that I had waited two years for, yet no longer needed. I suppose I did write an entire play about the guy so...
I guess I still don't know why they asked if I was okay. Sure, it made my mind go into overdrive, but mostly it was a relief. I spent a good two years hating myself for everything and convincing myself none of it was real. FUN TIMES. To have written proof from the other party about all my feelings... just made this weight lift off me. Luckily about three months ago I stopped having any ill feelings when I would run into him, few and far between, but to justify my own experience, after thinking I must be a terrible person, there was no way he ever liked me, there was no way he ever wanted to be around me... right? I'm a monster....
THIS. IS. NOT. TRUE.
Of course, I'm very lucky to have friends, constantly validating me. But it's different when no one else can reaffirm a narrative that involved only two people. Yourself, and the person who has decided you are too uncomfortable to be around anymore... I guess I just need proof of my own existence, and that goes DEEP into the psyche.
The other thing I heard, which I didn't even think of as a thing, was that I was a big person for accepting the apology. Now, I don't think I really didn't anything, but I forget that some people hate their ex's, would burn them to the ground. The letter itself said it was way overdue, and that he would understand if I couldn't accept it... or something along those lines. I am a big believer of forgiveness. I could let everything from the past go as soon as someone comes clean with how they treated me. My ex-roommate, who kicked me out of the house, could call me, and I would answer and let her say her peace. I would gladly welcome her back into my life. Hell, I would even rekindle a relationship with my mother if she apologized and acknowledged everything in an honest way.
I think it takes a lot for someone to honestly apologize, so why wouldn't I accept that? I suppose if the honest apology was 'I did this because me-me-me'... well, wouldn't be honest, so I couldn't really listen to it. I already very much doubt I'll hear any form of apology from my other ex. I had to let that part of my heart go, even though I'm still holding out hope for it. Mostly because I'm sure he thinks I'm the one who has to apologize, and it hurts that he will never truly see how he hurt me, or other people who have confided in me about their interaction with him. Though, that being said, I really never thought I would get any form of... I suppose one could say closure, though I never really believe that is a thing... from my... it's getting confusing with the ex's, let's call him 'letter X' now.
With all the forgiveness it really throws me a loop because I truly don't think I've done anything wrong. I think I was honest until I no longer could be, and because I could no longer be true to myself I had to leave. I grapple with all the things I did... but fall back to people telling me I did everything I could... but then I... start to question all my thoughts. That maybe I am terrible, maybe I did lie, maybe everything that I was when I was with him wasn't actually me. Can you see now why that letter was so helpful to me?
I can't tell you how I'll feel the next two years going through... whatever this is over other ex... but I'm taking it day by day. I know in the end, whatever an end is - because I don't mean closure, I'll be okay. I think the best thing that happened was with letter X because I was able to heal from that, and the healing helped me forgive everything. Knowing I've done it before is what I'm holding onto... until the next heartbreak I suppose.
I know I haven't been the most active on this blog, this pandemic puts me in a mindset of not feeling like any of my words really matter, anyway. You can stay updated by putting your email address below (so I can scream into your inbox), or follow me @holly_amorous on the insta!