Hello, Hi, Please Give Me Attention Or I'll Break. Thanks.
I've spent way too long being single that I really don't know how to be in a relationship. Not to mention dating multiple people.
I think for a very long time, because I didn't have any friends, I believed that I was broken. That there was nothing possibly good about me so why would I have friends? Then the idea that I was no good became my moral compass. It's not a healthy way to live, believe it or not. I spent most of college so devoted to my work that I didn't allow time to get involved with anyone on any level (I'm not specifically talking romantically or sexually. Emotionally as well). Upon leaving college I already had it set in my mind that I would probably never see these people, I spent three years growing and learning with, ever again.
It's now been seven years since graduating and I still have a few friends from college who I honestly love so dearly. And those who aren't in my immediate friend circle I'm always still very happy to run into now and again. I actually really enjoy people but there's such a block that I run into. I should mention I studied musical theatre. There's a reason I stopped performing it, and it's not because of the hard work or the limited amount of jobs. The people sucked my faith in humanity away. I cannot explain the terror of humans who would make it their every will to tear me apart. It was toxic and terrible. So I left.
But being in and around that for so long I have a very hard time trusting people who genuinely love being around me. I don't like getting attached to people because I'm so afraid that I'll find out they're hanging out with me for their own very specific prerogative, and will leave as soon as I no longer fill that quota. It's gotten to the point where over and over again someone in my life proves just how committed they are to being in my life and I still leave the evening from them with thoughts like: "No no, they wanted you to leave and were just waiting until you walked out the door so they wouldn't have to see you anymore because you're annoying, and exhausting, and way too much to deal with".
I don't know how to get over this. Mostly I've just been trying to counter-act the thoughts with: "Nope, that's wrong, they care about you and want you around and whether you stayed or left they would be happy either way because you are an individual in charge of your own choices, but had you stayed they would have been happy too". My phone is the greatest contender in this anxiety. My logical brain is so very great. My logical brain understands. But my anxiety brain is just a little piece of shit.
I really don't like not having concrete plans. Though I tend to live in the moment, and I can be very impulsive, I like having set 'meeting at this time at this place for this long' scheduled in my brain to help it calm down. Otherwise I go crazy and message anyone who will pay attention. This then ends up backfiring when I don't hear from someone right away and start to panic. It's a terrible emotion that succumbs my whole being. I start making up stories in my head about how they saw my message, rolled their eyes, then the person they were with was like 'what?' and they were like 'oh, just this friend, she messages me all the time and frankly it's so fucking annoying'. I fear being annoying, I fear being an inconvenience. I would rather just disappear. But I could never imagine someone saying that to my face, because that's just not possible in our society... being honest about not liking someone, so instead we politely, passive aggressively, find ways to make me feel less and less valuable over time in hopes I will stop talking to you all together.
I really wish I was better. I envy people who can just look at their phones and let it go. Who won't respond immediately, because they're present with the conversation their in, or that they want to be able to respond appropriately with their full attention that isn't available at that time. But if someone leaves me in an open ended conversation without ever responding I feel such a heavy hit. It's insanity, I'm insane. I KNOW.
And now I'm here. In a place where not only am I messaging my friends, who I can understand if things come up for, but where I'm dating multiple people. I have put such personal pressure on all communication. I know I'm suffocating. I KNOW that. So I try really hard not to let it bother me, but the truth is, it does. Because it's who I am. I'm just so afraid of that becoming a dealbreaker in the end that I would rather not make it known. Or I make it known by... writing it in a blog knowing someone might come across it and realize just how crazy I am about it... it's not just a 'CUTE' quirk. It's something that seriously effects my mental health. And I hate myself so much for it. I hate myself so much that most days I just want to throw my phone across the room and watch it break, and have no way to let people know, and just sit in silence knowing there's nothing I can do about it... but then I wrote a show about that exact thing and well... it doesn't turn out great for the character...
So I guess this is just a letter apologizing, I'm sorry that I feel this way, I'm sorry. I'm working really hard on it not effecting me so much, but presently it does. And it will continue to, as I slowly try my best to break out of it. Some days it won't matter at all. But I can't live with the non-response. I can't live with a conversation started and left un-ended. I would rather someone say 'hey, sorry I'm just super busy right now, I'll respond later, and if I don't it's not because I don't care about you'. Though then I would start thinking 'you're just saying that to make me leave you alone!'.
I have so many problems that weren't problems when I was single because I didn't have to impose my disgusting mess all over someone. With friends, I could just laugh it off. I can't laugh it off with the people I'm dating... And I'm sorry for the person that I am.
YOU THINK AFTER 27 YEARS I COULD HAVE FIGURED THIS OUT?!