• Hools

I Do - Not Feel Like My Existence Can Exist

Weddings stress me out for many reasons. Today has it's own special circumstances.

Any weddings I have been to/been invited to have always been for very monogamous humans 'tying the knot'. Even that phrase, which is part of the norm of those kind of weddings, is suffocating. As if together you are combining yourself with another in no means of escape. And yet people overtly shout joy to the heavens, tears of happiness are wept for the happy couple buying into the concept of forever with this one person without any means of returning the item. I feel as though my own identity can't be expressed.

OKAY, I'm not an asshole. I understand that those how commit to this idea actually believe in the whole thing, even though I think it's absurd. I'm here to support someone I love in their beliefs, and honestly it's why I'm SUCH a good person (HA!), I will also probably cry. I still think the idea of loving someone so intensely that they are your whole world is a nice idea, sure, and SURE maybe that's how some people need the validation, I just would start to hate one person who decided that about me. I'm sorry, naw bro (undefined gender, I call everyone bro), but please find something that gives you joy, happiness, excitement, all those feelings, outside of just me. Of course I can be part of your happiness, but I don't 'complete' you, or make you 'whole'.

The entire event feels so disingenuous. All the hoopla for us to watch two people commit legally to each other. Also, my anti-capitalist brain thinks: "why are we all wasting this money...?" As the makeup artist puts the final paint on all the bridesmaids faces for just one day... the amount of material in all the dresses that make up the wedding party. My dress hardly fitting because I was too stubborn to pay money for someone to fit it to me. And still feeling like I should have...? I want to scream because the type of love that I feel doesn't have a place here. All I'm doing is thinking of sitting here with multiple partners being kissed and holding hands with everyone. While I know that I would be glared at by everyone, unable to actually express my love, as if it's wrong.

I'm not looking forward to the many conversations with people who hardly know me, or only know my online public presence (not the one that posts about my blog, or talks about my mental health, but the picture I paint for those who aren't close enough to care about the person I am, but the person I should be). The question of being here alone, or what I'm doing living in the big city, or why I don't visit more. And yet, thinking about this wedding being about me makes me feel so selfish. It's not that this day is about me, it's for my sister, that's very necessary to point out. It's that it breaks down the values I have in my core. Because people make jokes of 'getting it all out while you still have your freedom' to the groom, as if being married stops people from cheating, or being allowed to think dirty thoughts about anyone else. I doesn't. But marriage is made for that...

And for some reason being in this city I feel even weirder mentioning the female's I date. Because this homophobic city has turned me into being quiet about my queerness, it makes me ill. Am I grateful that a month from now I'll be at a wedding that's actually inclusive and makes me feel like I can be myself (Yes I'm calling you out, you know who you are, bless you), hell yes. So as I think about that wedding, I still have to live through this one. Right now, I feel like I need to put on that mask, the one I wore for 17 years, pretending to be the mother's perfect child, with no negative traits. The girl who didn't date because she was too focused on her passion, and well, you can't have a passion and a partner. The girl who smiled and told everyone how great she was doing, when inside I felt like a burning corpse.

And tomorrow that corpse is released from my body, so if you could just send me some love, that would be most kind.

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