I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends
I was once in a show where we basically did Across the Universe, and before I even knew what a joint looked like we sang this song while I pretended to get high and smoked a 'fake' joint that was the size of my foot (I don't have especially large feet or anything... but that's a big effin joint).
I have needed a life boat recently. And I've been given the beautiful access to my friend-ship (okay... that one's bad). But while I lay almost lifeless and out of breath, the ship is sturdy and holds onto me, even when I try to climb back into the ocean. The ship carries me away from the wreckage, even when all I want to do is doggie paddle back (I only made it to level 3 in swim class) because like a siren it calls. It's so familiar, and comfortable. But the ship presses on.
The world is shit. Isolation sucks. I'm fragile and going through heartbreak. But, I'm still looking towards the next day. HAAAAAVE I spent nights crying myself to sleep... almost... but you know what helps? My friends. Who call me when I say 'I can't breathe' and tell me I'm worth so much. My friends who check in and say 'how are you holding up' instead of me sitting around all day staring at my phone HOPING that some certain people will message me, and they never do. I am so lucky for the friends who are there.
I have never been someone who thought I had friends. In grade 8 I started to 'bite' people (my email address was hollybitesyou27...). I don't think I ACTUALLY bit anyone but my childhood has always been fuzzy. I did this to avoid the heartache I had experienced 4 times in a row with 4 different best friends who moved away from me... MAAAAYBE where my abandonment issues began. But basically my young mind thought 'well to avoid getting hurt I won't let anyone get close to me, so if I say I'll bite them when they get to close then NO one will want to be friends with me and I won't have to worry about it'. LOGIC!
Then in college I was forced to be friends with some shitty people. People who made fun of me and other people I cared about. People who added to my own sexual trauma and then erased the idea in my mind that anything happened. People who then continued to be my 'best' friend when we moved to Toronto together, only to be brushed under the rug when I wasn't helping her succeed enough. Ah yes, young friendship, so good. [That being said I'm still very good friends with the few who loved me for me and let me go through my shitty bullshit phase]/
About five years ago I decided it was enough. I didn't need to force myself to focus entirely on my career by catering to 'friends' who would be good for it. I could open up my time to the people in my life that did in fact matter. We're all searching for a purpose in life and I think maybe I found connecting with wonderful people is something that truly makes me happy.
I of course endured many struggles. My hope for people to be their best is what fuels me and poisons me. I've allowed too many people into my heart that gave me nothing back, and continue to do so because I don't believe I should ever judge anyone by their current situation and lived experience. Though I DO have to start seeing people by how they treat me, instead of who they are. I constantly want to justify someone's actions based on what they've gone through. But the truth is, I also need to be compassionate with myself the way I am with others.
I spend a lot of time thinking I'm a bad person after people sucked away all my goodness for themselves and turn it into me being bad. I just want everyone to have the space to be better, and to know that they are supported and heard. So many people aren't heard. I end up overlooking my own needs for someone else's.
So those friends, who stay around me, when I'm feeling like I do NEED them, are the very kind souls who have been getting me through. Not just this weird pandemic, but the positive potential of what the world will be after it's done. It's strange to say, but I think maybe I spent the last five years of my life preparing for this. I've set such a foundation for myself, that I've given so much room for other's to grow on now that the ground is shaking the flowers have started to enrich the soil I grow in. I'm taking a second to appreciate myself for that. I am a good person, and I am a great friend.
I think there's much too much negativity in general, but a lot right now. Fear is leading our brains into a torturous head space. So all I can really say is, take a second to really think about those people's lives that you enrich, while also thinking about how they make your day just a little better by being around them. Because that's what is going to help us get through this time. When we are allowed to leave our houses again, think of the joy you'll feel the moment you get to see that friend you haven't hugged in 5 months.
We have taken the little interactions between people for granted. God damn could I do with a few writing dates in coffee shops playing sad indie music that, yes, is the very same playlist I listen to when crying, or writing this blog. When I can hold my partner's hand again. When I can hug someone so tightly I don't know when I'll let go. When I can be spooned again. The high I'll get from that will last for a long while.
Now I anxiously wait for that moment, because I know it will come. But until that moment, I'll keep writing, and talking to friends over the internet (imagine if wifi wasn't a thing right now...?), because I truly am lucky to have the people in my life that I do.