• Hools

I need a reset

I feel so very empty.

I've spent my life filling everyone else's buckets and I don't even think I'm doing a good job of it. I feel like everything in my world is falling far away from me. So I keep trying to find more things, more people to help, more problems to fix, so I can just run away from my brain. I want to be the person anyone can go to and talk to about everything that's going on, but I also feel like I can't talk with anyone about everything in my life. MAAAAAYBE it's because I don't have a therapist to bitch at for an hour a week. Oh yeah, that money I was spending on my mental health, it's worth it. But I want to be able to do that with the people in my life who care, though every time I open my mouth I want to shove a sock in it.

Anxiety: No body wants to hear it, they are tired of hearing your voice. Shut up!

My anxiety pulsating over my words, I stop myself and then start hating myself for it. I think it comes from my own past experiences of being burned by that exact thing. Where I over-shared with someone, to the point that I was too much, and then they left. And sure, they never specifically said 'Holly, I'm cutting you out of my life because I'm so annoyed with you as a person, and really the things you talk about are insignificant and dumb, so you should stop valuing any of your words'. BUT MY BRAIN KNOWS NO OTHER REASON. My logical brain is trying to but a reason on it, and me being the problem is the easiest on I can think of. Perhaps that's why I am so pulled to the theatre. I can go on the stage and say words that I wrote, and even though it's a character saying it, it's intrinsically me. It's my way of saying 'here's all the thoughts I can't say to you in actual person because I'm so afraid of being too much'.

I'm afraid of sharing myself but for some reason my art is more detached, so sharing isn't too hard. Two of my partners have seen my show, and they haven't run yet, in fact, I started dating someone AFTER they saw my show even. So it's not like they didn't have an opportune moment to acknowledge that I'm a little insane about a lot of things. Yet I'm so very afraid of sharing the truth. Because in all honesty, I think thoughts that I've written in my piece, every day. But the theatre keeps the distance from the reality.

It took me 26 years to start dating, and after a very long year and a half I'm exhausted. I would be crushed to lose any of my partners, but there's the 26 years of my brain that I was single, and didn't have to impose myself on anyone, and it was safe. Now... I feel like a terrible person. I'm so very vulnerable right now. And I feel like I'm drowning the people I'm dating even though they're only in the first two feet of water. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I also don't want anyone to feel obligated to me.

"Anyone can choose to walk away and they don't owe you an explanation". Though I believe this, it still hurts me, a lot. No one owes me anything. So if one of my partners decided that they couldn't deal any more, or whatever their decision ended up being, they don't owe it to me to say anything. And I think that's what's so scary. It's the not knowing that hurts the most. I'm still caught in the outer space from my ex, I wrote a whole show about it and I still couldn't tell you what happened. My brain constantly trying to make sense of it and always falling to--

Anxiety: It's you, you're the reason they left, you're too much, and you might as well never talk again

But I also need to scream.

I'm very lucky to have so many friends who have openly said: "You know you can call me and talk to me any time you need". My problem is that I've lived my whole life trying not to need anyone, to the point where I could just abandon my existence and live in the middle of the woods (though, let's be honest, I would definitely starve). And the other day I was told I need attention and validation and I started to freak out. If I need it... will I die without it? Some days it feels that way. And I'm so mad at myself for being human. I think what's kept me at bay for so long is knowing that friendship is so delicate. We live in this society that doesn't value a pure platonic relationship, in any way close to a romantic one. So I start to feel suffocated by falling into expectation. Though I hold greatly to friendship in my life, I'm also aware that there's no real 'friend' break-ups. Someone can just stop talking to you. And unless you press them about it, most people won't do this, you'll never know what happened. So with romantic relationships it feels like there's so much more weight that there would need to be a talk. Well.... also my heart is fully in and... that's new to me... fuck.

I then find myself wanting to date more people, to fill that hole inside of me. If I can't tell one partner everything then I'll tell every partner some things, and then I'll be okay. Right?! Right?! Right. It's one of the reasons I really feel good about being poly. Because I know there's a way I can avoid chaining someone to my wrist, the freedom allows people to not get infuriated with me. I'm insufferable. I think another thing for me is being able to be on the same level as a partner. If they are comfortable sharing all their scary, intimate, intense details with me, I too will reciprocate. I ended a relationship with someone because they had read my show and I felt like I didn't know anything about them, but I was too afraid to ask them to share. I would never ask any questions that would make someone feel uncomfortable talking about. THOUGH, it's very apparent to me that men are guarded because fucking societies oppression of the male gender and their emotions. Fuck. THERE'S. NO. WINNING.

I'm tired. I'm so so tired. I want to stop believing that I'm forcing anyone to be a part of my life. But also I'm so afraid of people leaving that I can't open the fuck up. Except I guess through this blog... or my show... or... Fuck me. My head hurts. I'm going to climb in bed and eat a popsicle and maybe cry, I dunno, I dunno.

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