Anyone else read that Berenstain Bears book about the green-eyed monster? And Sister Bear has this alter ego who is green with jealousy? Though, she was green and her eyes were yellow, that's besides the point.
I feel this power has overcome me inside. I think it's something I struggle with mostly because the question 'how do you not get jealous of your partner being with someone else'. This isn't the jealousy I'm talking about. It's the jealousy of wanting something I can't have.
Monogamy. This is NOT what I can't have, oh no, for I could never do such a thing. It's those that are monogamous, who I have feelings for, and they could NEVER be poly. I see them with their partners and I want to scream. I want to scream because I don't understand monogamy. And how they can cut me off from having a deep loving relationship with them because 'oh no I couldn't be polyamorous'. The jealousy eats me up inside. Like... I can't have them because they aren't what I am. Which is a weird circle of feelings.
I've been dating (probably too many) people throughout this time. I can understand why monogamy works for the current world we live in. Sure, having someone right now who you go home to would be nice. Mostly though I think it's lazy AF as a choice. I can't be content with one person, so I can't understand how someone else can be. That jealous monster emerges.
I meet some really cool people and I want to engage romantically, in fact some of which I have, and it turns into 'oh no I don't think this is for me'. What is it that's stopping you? I realize that 99% of the time it isn't me. It's them. It's their fear of what polyamory looks like. Rejection hurts, BAD communication eats away at your brain, and it's just more convenient to schedule time for ONE person. Though for me that's a LAME excuse. Yet, I can't help but feel like if only I was better they would want to make it work.
WHICH IS SO FUCKED, PEOPLE! Because that's the same as someone being like 'I want to be with you but only monogamously' and I just... can't fathom that. I've had many conversations with lovers in my bed who have inquired and I have had to turn them away. So why do I feel this crushing hurt inside.
I'll never actually be like 'hey, you're monogamous and that's really dumb'. For me it's an identity, like sexuality. And sure, maybe that's wrong, come on at me internet trolls to correct my mistake. I feel like being poly IS my identity because it's how I was born. NOT raised, not told to do, but how I feel the most... me.
I guess I'm just lucky. I'm lucky to have been raised in a space that was accepting - to a point. Lucky to have fallen in love with theatre and the (mostly) open minded people who are among them. Lucky to have taken the time to learn who I am, and know what I want - something a LOT of people don't ever do. Maybe that's not luck though, I CHOSE to sacrifice... I don't know... being rebellious? Like, I never just 'had fun' with people. I couldn't. I had to analyze. So maybe it's just my brain that's allowed me to see who I am, and how to be.
I think there are many people out there who would identify as poly if only monogamy wasn't so shoved down our fucking throats everywhere we go. It makes me ill, physically, to think about it. Think about a girlfriend yelling at their boyfriend for just simply looking at another girls tits. That we are bred to find 'the one' to settle down with.
The hilarious part is my jealousy has nothing really to do with what most people expect. Recently, okay so literally right before I was like 'oh I haven't blogged in a while', I was contemplating why... a why of a scenario that I suppose could have been a reality if I just... I don't know... didn't respect myself for a little bit....? I'm talking around the thing, mostly because this person might read this, and though I'm WAY too open about most things, this is something I don't feel like there's a point in opening up that can of worms, with them I mean. Yet I still grieve. I grieve the what if.
Then I think about the what if, I think about the why it didn't, and I'm like Holly, duh--- snap out if it. But that monster is still crawling up my throat, suffocating me from allowing my own mind to realize I'm actually fucking happy with what I have right now. So I contemplate and acknowledge the why. It's the idea that very few people have actually liked me like that, I'm holding onto those who have.
Fuck. I'm running in circles.
The reason I fell so hard for my ex-lover was because of a phrase a friend of mine mentioned, though not coined, 'love bombing'. I was so shocked that anyone could love me I fell. I fell so fast I didn't take a second to think maybe it was just the secretion of dopamine seeping into my pores based solely on the fact that if I could be loved by him, then maybe I could be loved. I didn't think I could be loved! What the fuck. So, even though I think every day about wanting to reach out, or scream, or tear apart things because of him, I'm glad through all that rubble I realized I am lovable. I didn't mean for that to rhyme, but someone make it into a song (or I've been re-watching Bob's Burgers - so a musoem is fine too).
Outside of my ex I can count on one hand the few people who have said 'I like you, you know... like---' whatever, it's awkward. If only the phrase 'I am romantically inclined towards you' didn't sound so fucking robotic, that's what I actually mean. But I have such low self esteem in regards to my romantic property (ew, what am I... a house?) that I am still holding on! Jesus. I still think sometimes of my ex -- who wasn't my ex -- (Kit, for simplicity) -- and think 'hmm maybe we could ha---' and I stop myself because no, NOOOO, no.
I held onto something I shouldn't have because I wanted something else. Does that make sense. Taking it out of context. I wanted to have a close relationship with someone, in which we did, because I forced it to be close, and then lost what made it close. And that thing that made it close should never have been a factor. And now I find myself jealous. Barf. BARRRRRF.
Anyway, I love my boyfriend, so I shouldn't even care. But sometimes, it would be nice, to have someone I could call and say 'I'm coming over so you can just cuddle me for a bit'... I guess that's really all it comes down to.
Great, and now I'm crying. LOL. Happy Monday.