Late night thoughts.
I am a blob.
I adhere to whatever makes you happy.
-The other day I had a thought. A silent thought that I ended up sharing with one of my partners to which I realized out loud makes me seem like I'm trying to be something... that in reality I just desperately want everyone around me to be happy, even if that means I'm not. It's not really true though. I want everyone to be happy to validate my own existence. And that makes me feel so ill. That my own happiness thrives off of the knowledge of myself in someone's life. The minute I feel like I'm no longer a part of something is the moment I start drowning. It never had to do with your happiness. I'm just an asshole.
-I feel like I hold onto things because that makes me feel like a good person. If I let go of something, or more specifically someone, then I'm taking away the thing that I thrive for in their life, the knowledge of existence. My brain is fucking weird. No wonder I'm fucked.
-I don't want to be single because I love my partners and can't imagine my life without them (WHO HAVE I BECOME). But also, I feel like such a burden for all my thoughts that I want to be able to be normal, like everyone else, and when I'm asking "how are you" I can just respond with "Good!" instead of being genuine and honest and making people run from that. I want to be able to not have people feel uncomfortable around my depression, but that's not our society, that's not how people operate. People are driven to their own self existence and therefore when I impose my own mental state on someone they feel like their own doesn't matter and have to find a reason to fix me I don't want to be fixed, I just want to be heard. But I can no longer have someone wait for me to break down before stepping up. Because it's always looming. I guess I'm asking for someone to be a mind reader. And that's ridiculous.
-I know the reason why I hate myself, and that's because I am the only one who sees all the real thoughts inside my head. Sure, was my panic attack last night driven by circumstances where I couldn't control something and was making other people upset about it? Sure. But also a very vain part of me felt left out of something, that was so stupid I couldn't even voice it. I am a very selfish, stupid, human.
-I'm so afraid of being deleted. And so I constantly want to find ways to do it myself, so that at least it will be on my terms. How easily I was ejected from their life, as if I offered nothing special, and could be replaced by any other Joe or Sally. I provide nothing but just presence, until that is too much work to have around.
-I stepped off the floor at work today because I heard that song that reminds me of you, and it was in my dream the other night. I can't let go, because you let go without a second thought. So ultimately am I upset about losing you, or that I'm not important enough to keep around and you proved that in such a strong way it shakes the very core of my being.
-I don't know if it's the depression that's consumed me or it it's the truth. I hardly feel anymore. The things that used to bring me joy no longer matter, I'm just going through the motions. Singing, reading, playing board games, being held in the arms of a lover, I've lost it. Until the next peak on the roller coaster, I guess, and then, I'll forget that the drop exists.
-I hate having to put this on anyone I care about and it feels so very terrible that being poly makes me do it to so many people. I'm not a good person to have around, eventually I'll suck it out of you, and move onto the next. So instead I won't sink my teeth in anymore. I'll dry up inside my own cave.