• Hools

Love is Love is Love...

I am... overstimulated. My brain is exploding from the mass amounts of love showering over my top knot as if I just opened up a floodgate that was ready to burst for the last 27 years of my life. Now, I'm not saying this in a way of 'oh poor me no one ever loved sad little me, wah-wah-wah'. I, in fact, am very aware of the love that I have in my life. I cherish the people who laugh at my jokes, not just my face, and those who listen when I speak english every fifth word in a sentence because I'm blubbering through words after some silly dumb trigger that set me off. 

I can't tell you what the shift was. I was actually just talking with my partner about how he was kind of the start to my race of attraction. You know when they say 'you can't be loved if you don't love yourself', or some version of that? I don't think I loved myself for a very long time. It was hard for me to accept the love of my really good friends. 'Why' I would exclaim, over and over to friends who held me and expressed how much they love me. I couldn't understand why, because I couldn't see what they saw. Though I'm still struggling with that some days, I feel in a much better place, and i can't help but think my one partner had something to do with that. 

Without getting too into it (who am I kidding, when have I ever held back... but I will mention a slight trigger warning ahead of sexual assault) I was crumpling. Transitioning from lovers to friends for the first time with someone I still very much had feelings for, I then got fired on the spot of a job just for not being the right 'vibe', where the next day the person I was hooking up with or dating or whatever not defined, had put me in a position that I very much didn't consent to and then when I expressed my pain was met with a brick wall of confusion that sent me spiralling, and the day after that I was bombarded with messages that basically said my family broke up with each other while I was having way too many drinks with a friend. I was a lot for one week. Fast forward to a night of my own personal self-hate and out bloomed the flower that is now my wonderful partner. 

I have since spent a lot of time questioning reality. Wait, a reality where the people I choose to be around aren't just in it for my body, or their own form of self hate. I understand the purpose of a good one-night stand, people need to blow off some steam I guess, I don't know, I'm asexual, bleh. For me it's about the deceit of real attraction to lure someone into bed that throws me into a loop and makes me believe that all my previous partners are looking for just that. Anyway, I feel like this is a side tangent to the original paragraph, my brain works on a series of multiple practices at once and tends to bounce around. I hope you're still holding on tight.

I've expressed my past over the limited attraction I received from my younger days. Most recently I keep turning a corner and find another wonderful human being standing there, staring into my deep blue eyes. I have very nice eyes, not sure if you could tell from reading this. And by wonderful humans I mean real people, who are like 'I think you're really great, I want to date you', meanwhile I'm sitting blubbering in the corner shoving my face with poutine being like 'you sure you're looking at the right deep blue eyes?'. It's a lot for me to process. I'm still trying to ground my mind with the knowledge that anyone would have the slightest interest in me that way. I am but a humble cog in the machine, making noises unexpected of a cog, trying to fit in.

Then the guilt rides over me. The guilt from so many wonderful people in my life who I love dearly who are just searching for love and I can't do anything about it. I hold back my recent awakening from everyone because I'm afraid to spread the information. I'm scared of pissing someone off because I have absolutely no control over who may or may not be attracted to me, though it seems like a giant wave I am unable to avoid. The reason I say that is not only because I've had people mention it to me, but because I've felt the same pang of jealousy swoop in whenever a friend would say 'and then he told me he loved me and I didn't know what to do'. GOOD FOR YOU BRENDA, I'M SO GLAD SOMEONE LOVES YOU. I bite my tongue. It's a yo-yo of emotions I am trying to figure out. And in the same breath I see my friends looking for love and just want to help them find it, though I'm pretty unaware of what makes people attracted to people so I would very much not be a good matchmaker. I want to be able to share my love with everyone. But I can't. I want to say 'I'll love you', but I know it's not what they want. I want all the people I care for to also feel the love I'm currently receiving from so many angles. 

I'm just grateful I'm polyamorous, because fuck if I had to 'decide' on 'who was the best'. No one is the fucking best, no one is 'the one'. There are so many good things in people, and everyone is different. Why can't we just love everyone. I'm turning into that girl from mean girls with the feelings. I don't even go here.

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