• Hools

Moderating Messages my Brain Sends Me

I'm overwhelmed with the thoughts in my head.

I've been off social media for a day because it's so suffocating. Keeping up the facade I'm doing fine, while also saying I'm not doing fine but people still somehow thinking I am. It's as though I'm screaming and people think I'm laughing.


I'm trying to find a way to breathe through the thoughts that aren't true.

THOUGHTS THAT AREN'T TRUE

  • I still exist even when people aren't messaging me

  • I am not universally hated

  • Just because someone isn't thinking about me, doesn't mean that I am garbage

  • I have emotions that aren't nice but that doesn't make me a bad person

Hello Hi. Me here. Fabricating the existence of time and space to be surrounded by ME!

I want to word vomit everything. I usually do that on Facebook, and get no satisfaction from it other than the small amount of dopamine that hits my brain at a single like or comment rolls in. As IF I MATTER!

"But Hools, wait a single second, don't the people who love you tell you daily how much you do matter? "

I'm sorry brain, I was talking, I can't hear anything you're saying. Where was I?

Oh right. I want to be able to say 'here's something I'm dealing with, please feel something for me and reach out to me' then actually acknowledge those who DO reach out, because there are in fact A LOT of people who do reach out to me. So what is it that I actually want?

WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT, BITCH?!

  • To have the people who have given up on me tell me that I exist.

  • To not call myself a bitch

A very small ask. But why do I spend so much time harbouring on the people who DON'T see me. Because that's what hurts. Thinking about someone who invested their time into me, had me open up to them, show them inside my dusty cupboards, and then turn away, making it clear I have nothing to offer them and therefore do not matter. But that's the problem brain, I do matter, just not to them. WHY DO I HAVE TO CARE SO MUCH?

"Because the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally, didn't"

RIGHT, so I'm just like every basic person, digging deep into my upbringing, I should PROBABLY sort that out. I need to come to the conclusion that the things these people have done, cut me out and stop attending to my constant need for attention, is not a reflection on the person I am. Yet, I'm so afraid of everyone that I'm with now will do the same. It's not like I haven't cut people out. And there's nothing wrong with that, sometimes two people are just not meant to have any sort of relationship. They don't provide any real substance in each others lives. That's totally okay! We need to accept that more. That even if we fight for there to be reason for each person who crosses our paths, sometimes people stumble down the wrong fork in the road, realize half way through they wanted to go the other way, and then never stumble your direction again. That's okay.


I guess for me it's the people I felt I had a real relationship with, who then cut me out for no reason, or no reason that they bothered to tell me, that hurts. Was I deceived there was ever anything there? Or was I hurting you without knowing it? If the truth is, the person who I am is so damaging to you as a person, I would like to know that, so I can adjust or accept that maybe, that's okay if we're never to speak again.

'Well hey, now you're thinking'

Shut up and let me finish my panic attack before I start climbing up the hill again and leave it behind. Maybe once I accept myself... I'll stop searching for nothing.

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