• Hools

My Heart is Too Large But For One

Too much.

That's how I've been defined by many who've held my heart with rough claws digging deep, blood dripping down their fingers while they watch monotonous. I'm complicated, when they're all looking for something 'easy', as if looking for a 'relationship' should be 'easy'. That's where I draw a blank. Any real relationship takes time and effort, if there is none given then is it real? And I say relationship in the broadest way. My strongest relationship is with my best friend, both of us have spent endless hours on each other. Has it always been easy? No. But we care deeply and we know it's worth it. So for those who've said to me 'I just need my relationships to be easy' I scoff.

Feelings are confusing and exhausting, but are a teeter-totter. You can't have the brilliant overwhelming feeling of love and wonder that fills your heart to explosion without having the dragging of the weight of the world through a gallon worth of mud. I'm grateful for my heart, even though many times I wish I could claw it out. I care deeply for people, a state that was in no way true about four years ago. When I started taking care of myself mentally I had so much more space in my brain for other people. I'm glad I can care for other people in this way, as it is something that some people will never even try to accomplish. And because of such, I have so much room in my heart I couldn't imagine forcing one person to have all of it.

My relationships are all unique. I would say I 'get' certain things out of certain people but that sounds shady, as if I'm collecting what I can get from someone and using them for that purpose. This isn't true. It's more that each person I have a deep relationship with gives me things I can't have elsewhere. I would never want to expect things from people, but I do have a degree of understanding in relationships that offer things others don't. For instance I would never expect a partner to be the kind of weird I am with my best friend. Her relationship with me is so important and I wouldn't give that up to have someone try to take that place when I know they could not. My cat is also a big part of my life, though it may sound ridiculous on paper, the truth of the statement is I wouldn't want a partner to expect me to her up for their well-being (sorry to those deathly allergic, it's just not going to work between us).

Being Poly, and recently open to many different kinds of people currently in a romantic and intimate way, allows me to feel so much more gratitude for the things I am given from each person. One partner who validates and really challenges me intellectually in particular with board games, while another may not be that big into games, so I won't detract from our relationship by expecting it. I would like to think the same for if I were to date someone super into sports. I would be like 'yeah go celebrate, just not with me'. We all have different people to fill our holes (and I don't mean in that way!).

I think that's why monogamy really freaks me out. The idea that you would either expect your partner to want all the same things as you, or you would compromise and not have your own needs met doesn't fit with me as a person. I'm not saying I'm a selfish asshole (though I can be at times, we are all human), I'm saying that it would be hard for me to date someone who is all the things I need. I have high standards and they shouldn't have to be met by one person.

Cat lover, board gamer, music enthusiast, coffee snob, intellectually stimulating, a people person with a community of friends, doesn't own a dog, or want kids, is open to impulsive adventure while also understanding my obsession to plan, just to name a few. So no, please don't try to fit into all those, and more, that wouldn't be fair of me to put on anyone. I ask for little, but mostly I just want someone who respects me, I have other people in my life for the rest.

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