My Sex Affliction
My brain doesn't operate the same as a lot of people. Or at least, that's what I've gathered within research over the 28 years of my life. Sex jokes go over my head unless they're very direct. Whenever a co-worker or friend points out someone and says 'oh my god, they're so hot' I feel like I'm missing something. If someone tells me one of my friends is 'super attractive' I feel bad for not noticing. It just doesn't register in my brain.
A co-worker of mine recently mentioned that he had a sex dream about me. To which I didn't know how to reply. I basically just laughed it off and walked away. For me that feels like I'm deceiving those around me with the way I present myself. What is it about me that lends the synapses inside someone's brain to create a fiction in the subconscious that's related to sex.
Now, don't get me wrong, I can be sexual. When I'm with my partners it feels like a fun game. The asexual part of me is just that sex doesn't really matter to me, nor does an attraction have to be there for me to have sex with someone. In a very broad definition of the orientation, it's similar to if a female who is attracted to women, sleeps with a male, that they aren't sexually attracted to because the are attracted to women. Now just take out them being attracted to women, and that's me... We can imagine, in this case, the male they sleep with, may be a very good friend, and a romantic attraction might be there, and therefore sex may be on the table, and although the sexual attraction isn't there, sex can still be enacted. ORRRRR.... maybe I'm just really devaluing the entire thing. Probably.
When my co-worker put me in that position, it really made me then question where I stand in society, by those who are attracted to female presenting humans. Though I don't really subscribe to the concept of gender, I understand and accept whatever people see me as. Now, if my co-worker can have a sex dream about me, then how many others, attracted to my presenting gender, are thinking about me that way. I haven't really had a lot of men approach me in a predatory way, which is GREAT. I think I don't give off those sexual vibes, so it's as though I'm sitting at a bar and I'm invisible. It's quite a super-power, until you want to be seen and don't know how to turn it off. BUT it made me wonder. What is it about me that, through innocent and pleasant conversation, can be perceived as sexual thoughts. Before this incident my relationship with this co-worker was very cordial and wholesome. I would pour him a drink to quench his thirst on shift, while he would make me a meal that would eventually get cold and I wouldn't have time to shove in my mouth so I'd take it home to eat the next day. Nothing more than a 'hi how are you' and a 'thank you'. So what did I do to be perceived sexually?
I suppose many could argue that the mind, the allosexual mind, especially (though I suppose that's a stereotype, maybe there is research leading to it, I'm not a scientist) those of the male presenting gender, are inherently sexual beings, that keep a lot of those thoughts in their heads. I don't know. I've only lived life with this asexual pan-romantic brain. It's very confusing to me to think about allosexuals, and how someone's mind can be brought to the idea of sex. I do, in some ways, really appreciate my sexuality because I don't have the crippling thoughts of 'don't think that about that person, they aren't a sex object, they are a person, stop thinking of pounding their dick on the sidewalk', or I mean, it's just a guess... That's how you people think, right? I've been told 'you must have so much time on your hands, your brain is so much more free to think of other things'. MAYBE THAT'S WHY I SUFFER WITH DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY HARRIET!!!? But seriously, even though I don't think about sex, I spend a lot of time NOT thinking about it, and getting frustrated with myself for being unable to share in that special bubble of appreciation over someone's... body? I don't know... what makes someone sexually attractive? Forgive my ignorant asexuality.
I feel like I have run into a brick wall any time my partner's tell me I'm sexy. It's not that it's not NICE to hear. Hurrah, I'm super glad I do it for you. And that's actually not sarcasm. I LIKE knowing I'm sexually attractive to my partners. But I just don't know how to respond to it... I feel very much like there's a hole in my body. I tear my brain into little pieces in a few milliseconds once I'm told I'm hot, because I don't know how to respond. I couldn't imagine dating someone who never thinks you were sexually attractive. I hate that I can't give that satisfaction to a partner. But to lie, to say 'oh yeah baby you're so fucking sexy', makes my soul catch on fire. I guess I just don't understand why anyone would want to date me...
I dated someone a couple years back, who had a lot of self-hate. He didn't like himself, and it showed, though I didn't really note it until after we stopped dating. He once told me that he was so happy to know I was asexual and wanted to have sex with him because that meant so much more, for me to be attracted to him as a person, rather than his body. It was said in a way that felt like 'because no one could be attracted to my body'. I think that reason was why I broke his heart after six weeks of very casual dating. I couldn't be the only thing that made him sort of like himself.
I've been told by many lovers how attractive I am. It really does go over my head. And it's not in a way to discredit what they have to say. It's mostly because my whole life, until I started dating, I was told I was unattractive, plain looking, boring, weird, anything that you could think of that would make you feel... well... the opposite of attractive. Of course beauty is subjective, as well, I'm much happier that my partners love me for the weird, than for just my body. It's still really hard for me to accept, and yet if they didn't say I was attractive to them it would feel bad. Maybe it's because I KNOW they're allosexual. If they are able to be sexually attracted to someone, and never mentioned that I was sexually attractive to them, it would seem like a problem? Though I'm getting into very cyclical territory, so I digress.
Anyway, in conclusion. Sex is weird. Sexual attraction is something I don't understand. Though I know it's something that people feel so I hope that those I am dating are sexually attracted to me. But I can never be to them and I feel bad about it. AND. PLEASE. IF I have any male readers, actually any gender... Do not tell your casual co-worker you had a sex dream about them. It's just... unsettling and I don't feel comfortable at work anymore.