• Hools

Online Dating

There are many apps out there for the sort. Tinder. Bumble. Hinge. Coffee Bagel something. The one where if you walk by someone your phone's have digital sex and let you know. It's all very overwhelming and all consuming. Especially as someone who is addicted to their phone.

As an asexual I find the usual 'swipe left/right' based off a picture incredibly difficult. I fall for people's personality, and even though you can sort of get that from pictures, I don't want to judge (mostly) men for being god awful and taking/picking good photos. I almost want to date someone super rad, who is terrible at their online game, and help them make a good profile. I'd volunteer my services because I love them... or perhaps I can make this into a business... HOOLS STOP. I always trying to market every thing I'm good at, and it makes life quite hard to know what I enjoy.

I've been actively off the apps for a while. I go through phases of hating people, and then back to wanting people around me but too afraid of catfish to talk to anyone online, and then I'm like FUCK it and I'll talk to everyone, and then I'll ghost. It's a fun pattern to assure I'll never find anyone else to date.

Four months ago I was dating four people, now I'm dating two, I guess I had to weed out the weak links. You know, the only ones who will put up with me are still around, the others couldn't handle my insanity (or on my good days I like to think of them not being able to handle just how fucking rad I am, yes, specifically fucking rad). I'm grateful for the two humans I have in my life who care deeply for me, one who I love very much and holds my heart so very carefully. But the recent spout of jealousy I've been feeling from the lack of partners has caused me to download the apps again.

There's a new one, called Hiiii, which is a bunch of online games and then you can chat...? Though still new, so you don't get the variety of humans, just the ones who the other apps didn't work for. And then you play a drawing game a couple of times, and no conversation happens so you move on to the next. It's more like an interactive online player game with no attachment.

I personally feel most comfortable using OkCupid. Mostly because I find there's more thought put into the profiles of people who are using it. It's less about selling yourself as a product, and more about being relatable, finding similar interests and sparking conversation from there. The only people I've dated from online were OkCupid dates. The app also allows you to be very specific, they also have an asexual category for your sexuality. You find a lot of people who are ethically non-monogamous, which I find is hard to filter on the other apps. I've been caught in the 'oh, you don't want to ever be exclusive' conversation heartbreaker, and I won't make that mistake again.

My anxiety can spike on and off which doesn't play favour to online dating because it's all about who responds, when, and how fast. I usually like to give my number quite early on because I'm much better at texting than using the app. But then I also get anxious and don't respond because I would rather message the people who already love and care about me, than the ones who will eventually figure out that I'm too much.

I recently had a bad depressive episode that left me in my bed for ten hours, forcing myself to go to work, crying in front of my manager and having a candid open text exchange with my partner about what my purpose is in his life. I have a hard time not exploding on people when I'm in a bad head space because I just want to empty my thoughts. The next day I then had a text exchange with my other partner about how terrible I am. I'm SUPER fun to date, so like, HMU!

ANYWAY. I was very much on a roll with 'what is my purpose' specifically in my partner's lives. I still couldn't tell you. I could tell you that I am a delight to be around, I'm funny, and have a big heart, I care deeply for those that matter to me. Whether that's good enough for a purpose or maybe I don't need one, I don't have an answer... it leads me to try and figure out what it is I'm looking for, which was a conversation that came up briefly with my one partner after one of my other blog posts. What is it that I get from each person I choose to enrich my life with?

I can say that being single for 27 years allows me to not so much NEED anyone. But WANT to have them in my life. I gain many things from each person that I WANT around me. But it's hard to really specify an exact reason. Most of the time it has to do with feeling. The way each of my partners makes me feel is very different. And for that I want to have both. Is that so wrong?

I also very much get in my head about being the worst partner in someone's life. I am constantly intimidated by my partner's other partners, even though I am friends with most of them. You know how it is, you can see all the good in other people, but inside your head you only see the bad in yourself? I have to consistently force myself to re-evaluate who I am, and why I could enrich someone's life, without taking anything away from anyone else involved.

TANGENT OVER. Back to the topic.

I have a hard time engaging with people on the internet because I immediately judge them. Not for the reasons you would think. If we happen to match that's usually a surprise because swiping right is not very often for me. Then it's the opening message to bring someone in. I am so quick to un-match someone if they say something I don't like. Literally someone responded to me saying 'sorry I passed out' with 'no worries', and I was like BYEEEE. Who the hell am I? Maybe it's that I respect myself and really want to not get involved with anyone who may be a problem later on if I just see past it? OR I'm just a little harsh. TBH if either of my current partners messaged me online I don't know if it would have gone past a couple exchanges. Mostly because I convince myself that anyone talking to me is just looking at my tits, or something to fuck. Trauma is fun, right?!

I guess I'm also afraid of making plans to meet someone and then wanting to bail on them all to hang out with my partner because that's literally all I want to ever do. So it's a difficult balance. Also, there's that episode of Modern Love with Anne Hathaway about being bipolar, and though slightly problematic at what the visual experience of that looks like, I totally understand being so very on, and then when the moment comes, not being able to get out of bed because you can't stop crying. Though, I suppose if someone didn't understand that, then fuck them and I don't want them in my life anyway.

Either way, I'm back on the apps, but probably going to go off them in two days when someone messages me 'hey sexy, let me stick my dick in you', because being female presenting in this online world of no filter is SO fun.

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