• Hools

Poke Me Till I Bleed

I've never done acupuncture, but I assume it has something to do with relieving pressure?


Mostly, I don't know how things work. But I'm trying every day to not let that thought consume me. So when I start to figure out some things it's always a validating feeling. The trap is feeling lost in all the uncertainty. It can be a deep hole that I get trapped in for too long as the darkness hides me from finding the exit.


Something I find great about being poly is the pressure that's relieved from being in that ONE and ONLY relationship, till death do us part bullshit. The feeling that this one person you pick is your be all end all, and also believing that you are the same for them. Oy. I start to feel the cement pour down my throat and harden.


I think it's so silly, looking for the one, without knowing that people change. Sometimes that's together, sometimes it's apart. And that's just how our human brains work. Even if we were AI robots, we would still be changing. Just think about how our smart phone learns things and then you open up your browser and each time it's a little more specific. THAT is a bad metaphor. It's a problem when you free write. A lot of non-sensical bullshit pours out.


For me the idea of monogamy has always stopped me from trying to date. Of course now I'm in three relationships, which is awesome, but it's not stressful because I don't take each person as a 'where is this going, what does the FUTURE look like'. I'm able to look at each of my partners and know where we are living in the current moment. While being aware that an end could be possible, without it being detrimental. Does that mean I'm considering it ending? Not at all. In fact the opposite. I'm confident, for the first time in my life, that these humans who have graced me with wanting to be a part of my life, will be around for good. But I don't know the future, maybe I'll lose both arms and move to Finland. BUT knowing that I'm not tied down to trying to live a life on the same path as the ONE person I love is freeing.


One of my partners lives out of town. It's hard to see him, especially with our alternating lifestyles. He works a day job during the week, I work weekend evenings. If we want to see each other something has got to give, and even then it's usually at least one of the planned days change. Both times I've tried to visit him I've had to cancel my trip because something in my career has come up. I'm very aware that RIGHT NOW I have no interest in changing that life. WHICH is funny because he used to be the same way. Does that mean in ten years all of a sudden I'm going to want to live in a small town and settle down and stop pursuing this monotonous, almost empty, career path? SURE, MAYBE. But I have no plans to right now. So does that mean I would have to end my relationship with him because we don't have the same life plan? If we were monogamous, it would hardly work out. And that would make me sad, having to cut him out of my romantic life. I like that we can make each other happy from afar, and I don't need to put any pressure on it being EVERYTHING that makes me whole.


When I tell friends about my partner who lives with his life partner they look at me like I'm nuts. 'I don't know how you date someone that way'. The idea that I will never live with him makes monogamous people so very confused. Like, as if since he already has someone filling that spot then what's my purpose. Hello, I provide a lot of wonderful things in his life without having to force advancing the relationship into... whatever our society expects from us to want. He also gives me so much more than I could have ever imagined. Other than the fact that he made me believe in love, I should also say that their home feels very comfortable to me, both of them make me feel so very safe and happy. Just because the intention isn't to end up married with children, does that mean I should take away that happiness?


I get really frustrated when I don't get attention. My phone is very suffocating, and I'm trying to make it okay. But if I were monogamous, I don't think I'd be able to date one person without going insane. Without driving them insane. In fact, a lot of the reason I ended things with the person I was seeing at the beginning of this year was because I would sit and wait around for him to respond and it drove me to an insanity I put an end to it, luckily we're still very good friends and it worked out, I think I may have ended up hating him if I forced it any longer. I would feel so guilty putting that on anyone because it's who I am, and yes, I'm working on it, but it comes with the package.


Brief interlude of self love


Things I like about myself

  • I care about people

  • I can be funny sometimes

  • I know how important it is to be checked in on, so I try to check in on the people in my life who are important as much as I can

  • I push through

  • I am honest with the truth of my emotions even when most of the time no one cares


I've never just had ONE job. I don't think I could function like that. For a long while I worked for over three years at one place and dedicated a lot of who I was to the place only to be shown that they never cared. Plus I dated a shitty person I was working with, so the whole experience ended up very tainted. But even then, I still made my art, I never stopped myself from making it to an audition, I made time for the people in my life. I still do this. I'm VERY good at scheduling. I forget some people aren't. When my mind gets bad then sure, I fall off the wagon a bit. I have to also forgive myself for that. This is also why when someone's response to me having multiple partners is 'I don't even have time for one' I get overwhelmed trying to think about their life and why they're so busy... also I need to stop comparing my life to others, this is a bad habit.


Are you frustrated with how my brain yo-yo's yet? Yeah. Imagine being inside it.




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About Me

I'm Holly, aka Hools, and I've been working on art that pushes past the every day social norms. Recently really coming into my identity as a Poly, Pan, Ace.

 

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