• Hools

Poof - They're gone.

I've tried for the last couple months to come up with something but my head is empty. Whether that's the lack of activities to keep my mind churning from day to day, or I'm just a lazy fuck -- I can't tell you. Well, actually yes, I can tell you. It's a combination. I am VERY good at convincing myself to not do things. In fact I should have a silver medal. I say silver because I'm generally good at getting second place so there's no reason to strive for the best.

All set up to write for the day - then I turn on netflix....

Here we are, over a year into this pandemic and what do I have to show for it -- or rather why do I need something to 'show' for it. Social media takes away all the air in my lungs as I scroll for an hour staring at ALL THE THINGS I'm not doing. It's really unfair, but I suppose it is my own choice to open up the app. I have no one to blame but myself.

I've been pondering often about life. I think it's made me calmer, but then I still get anxious when strangers are involved. I'm so obsessed with how my own simple actions could ruin someone's day. Yes, I'm aware, we are in control of our own emotions - but that single thought is something that has ruined me. Being stuck in the idea that what people around me are doing - doing 'to' me - have no effect on my emotions because ultimately I'm in control - right? I am the one to blame!!

But then I think about how I've been thrown into the garbage by the words of a customer who doesn't see me as human. Of course I have no control over their actions - but I'm not supposed to be effected when someone looks at me with judging eyes and tells me I'm bad at my job? I can't help but take it to heart. Were I better at meditating - or rather if I actually took time to meditate - it might just slide off my back. And still it hurts. Because I would never talk to another human like that.

Even the couple times I've lashed out at a customer service worker I've fallen into 'this really sucks - look I know it's not you - or your fault - you're just doing your job and what you're told - but I'm really upset - I'm sorry'. I'm sorry being the default undertones of all my conversations with anyone. I'm already apologizing for being a burden because of my own existence.

I suppose you can chalk that up to my childhood? Where I was informed - mostly through subconscious action - but also actually hearing the words 'After everything I've done for you, how could you treat me like that'. I'm not saying raising a child isn't difficult. God - a good main reason why I'm never having children is because of the time and effort that goes into it. But to blame a child for that struggle seems so unjust. And it was how I was raised.

I had an interesting reaction recently to a friend who wanted to hang out (covid safe as we are bubbled and both live alone - while not working). She was actively wanting to see me often. And I spun it quickly into - oh no, one of these times she will see the real shitty angry part of me - the whiny child who gets frustrated at nothing - and then she'll never want to see me again. See how fragile I am. Though I'm much aware the fragility of friendship in our society - as someone who has gone through many times with various people who hang around me often, and then move onto someone else that's more convenient, hangs so heavily on my head.

This was a good reason as to why I did not want to date for so long. The knowledge that one thing could 'break' up a relationship and then that thing that you invested so much time and so much of your heart into is just gone. Because with friends there isn't that 'societal' expectation that you're 'attached' to each other. Where when it's gone people notice. With friends you can get away with a quiet exit. No one asks 'how's your friend so-and-so? oh you don't talk anymore, I'm so sorry, what happened, are you okay?' It's okay for a friendship to run it's course. Yet because friendship has been such a large part of my existence - not being one in relationships for so long - it hurts me every time I lose one.

I realize I get angry at the friend who was texting me everyday and then just 'got busy' and stopped replying to messages. That time we spent together, once or twice a week, just never spoken of. I'm simply just a placeholder until a relationship or a job comes up. I suppose it sounds like I'm saying I should be more important than a job or a (romantic) relationship. That's not exactly it. I guess I just wish there could be some sort of conversation, or even more thought put into it.

I was listening to a podcast about 'can you be in love with your best friend'. People are so confused with a hierarchy of relationships. As if having a sexual relationship instantly levels you up, yet someone you are heavily emotionally invested in doesn't matter so much. I don't expect any of my friends to even consider me as a con when moving away and losing that. Yet because of that concept, where friends are just considered to be 'colour' in your life until... I'm only left with two tones - I've given away the rest of the rainbow.

I've always been someone who's kept my friends close, even when I'm busy, even when I'm working 2 jobs and dating 3 people, my friends are still there. I still check in. Maybe not as often, but I don't let it go that easily. I'm so so so tired of the friends who disappear once they get in a relationship. God, just thinking about dating someone and making them my everything everyday, even I can't spend that much time with myself without getting bored. My friends colour MY life. And so I continue to give. While living in fear of losing something that doesn't have a clear cut off.

Perhaps this comes from the sheer fact that I didn't have any real friends for the first... seventeen years of my life? Sure I would hang around people at school. And I remember the rare time I might hang out with someone outside of classes or lunch. But I never really felt a connection with someone back then that I do now with the people I choose to be around me. I'm grateful that I am who I am because of living through a period of 'false' friendships.

I really don't know how to write a blog post/essay because all these paragraphs have no real through line. But hey, thanks for stopping in. I hope you're doing alright during this weird time. Thanks!


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