• Hools

Prioritizing Yourself

THIS is a big one. Especially in poly relationships. When you're juggling all different kinds of energies and people, loving yourself above everyone else can easily get lost.

You've heard it before, you can't love others if you don't love yourself, but then why is it actually so hard. I constantly struggle with self compassion, yet I'm compassionate towards EVERYONE. Or.... at least I like to try and believe that. Then my mental health starts to spiral because I think 'well if you think you're that great then you must NOT be great.' I do not understand the logic that goes on inside my brain.

How easy is it for me to fall off that band wagon. But when I see friends fall I offer my hand out immediately, even if they feel like they don't deserve to get back on it. Where is the compassion I have for others in regards to when I fall. I want to help the world, I want to make people happy, I will constantly sacrifice my needs for others, which ends up being a detriment in relationships. When I hold off on my needs for such a long time it becomes routine for my partner to just act a certain way because I've been okay with it in the past.

For instance, a partner can apologize to me for something that is upsetting and I'll respond 'it's okay', when it's not okay. I have started recently getting better at instead saying 'thank you for acknowledging it' and explaining why I was upset. Saying 'it's okay' ends up being my fault for not getting what I need. It's a pattern, that I'm breaking apart slowly in therapy, how when I was a child I didn't want to be 'a problem' while watching my sisters constantly get into trouble. I think the only time I was grounded was when I climbed up on the counter to steal extra gummy vitamins. This is the child I was.

I'll do ANYTHING to not be a problem, and in turn it's become a problem for myself. How can I love myself when I can't respect myself. How can I expect others to love and respect me? I cannot get mad at someone for treating me how I told them to treat me. BUT I also consider myself a 12 year old as far as dating goes. I'm still figuring it out, so I can't beat myself up over not being able to articulate my needs.

Things I've learned I've been too compromising for

  1. Being okay with not being part of the discussion of a new partner in a relationship. No, I'm sorry, it's not okay not to talk about it.

  2. Not responding to my text messages for hours while being online on other platforms, causing my anxiety to make up reasons for being a trash human that doesn't deserve a response.

  3. Not giving time for me in a relationship in regards to other relationships, being the last on a list of partners.

  4. Partners not engaging in my passions, it's really important for me to be acknowledged about the things I accomplish.

  5. Not taking care of themselves. I can't outright say 'I won't date anyone who isn't in therapy', even though I wish that to be true. I want my partner to be constantly working on themselves the way I'm working on myself, without feeling like I am the only thing keeping them going.

  6. Being the only one to try and make time for each other.

  7. Having sex just because it's the only attention I get, and I want to be wanted.

I've recently gotten really good at vocalizing issues that come up, though I do have to admit recently I had a friend reach out to my partner because I didn't want to be annoying by telling my partner I'm sad that I'm alone. He then made the effort to call me to talk about it and gosh darn it if I didn't warm up inside at him taking responsibility for the things I was lacking. It's actually been so nice, when someone hears what I would like, and actually follows through with it. I've noticed a significant difference in the ways he makes me feel special, and it's allowed me to realize I DO deserve that.

And because of that I refuse to accept less than anymore. I've fallen into a place of loving myself, which is great. Of course I still fall into the hole of depression some days and believe everyone in my life actually hates me, but I'm working on that. I'm trying to respect my needs so that those I date in the future will also respect them too. Now that I know what those needs are, and now that I don't feel like asking for that is TOO much.

I used to believe that loving yourself, and taking care of yourself was selfish. Now I realize how very wrong that belief was.

I know I ramble a lot, and it doesn't make sense, but if you're interested in hearing me vocally ramble, feel free to check out my radio show that airs every other week on Alphabet Radio, The show is called 'Aced It'

And as always, feel free to follow me on the 'gram @Holly_amorous

Stay strong right now, happy pride month !!

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