Solo-Poly Social Distancing
I don't know if this is a known thing about me, a general Hools tidbit. Though I suppose I wouldn't know what would be considered 'general knowledge' since everything to me is general Hools.
I LOVE labels. Though, others prefer the word identity because people get all weirdly negative when you talk about something being a 'label'. Like 'ugh how dare you put that weird sticker on my person', but then I say identity and people go 'oh yeah, totally, yeah, you do you'. You could also say 'descriptor' but that comes with the connotation of putting someone in a box. "How dare you say that I'm white, that's racist"... it's just the colour of your skin, non-gendered person I don't know. So, for the purpose of this, I'll continue with saying label. You can suck an egg if that bothers you, I don't give a rat's bleached bleeding butthole.
Once I discovered my label as an asexual I was able to see a whole new world open up.
...NO. Not like that. Very much the opposite.
It stopped me from feeling broken in a world consumed by sex. I still come across it today. I was listening to a podcast where the girls were reaching out to hot guys they've fucked for shirtless pictures to add to their spankbank, and I'm like... why do you need an image to masterbate to, it's all just mechanical right...? Or perhaps I'm a superhuman who can get myself off in 20 seconds without thinking of anything....
My poly label took a while to come to an agreement on. It wasn't until last year, around this time, that I started saying that I was 'polyamorous'. Mostly because I was really only ever dating one person at the time, and had zero prospects of any relationship that had the second party consenting (sure, whatever... did I say I was in a relationship with people who wouldn't even bat an eye if my name came up in conversation... sure... but I've grown... now I just post sad status' on facebook hoping that one of my partners will care... Growth...funny thing). Once I started seeing my current longest partner was when I really started talking about it. Mostly because he had another girlfriend and I didn't want to get into that conversation of 'oh yeah my boyfriend lives three hours away and his girlfriend lives three hours from that and it's not me I'm talking about in third person... it's someone else... but we both know each other... actually we're friends and it's...' Saying 'I'm polyamorous' seemed so much easier.
Then I started writing a blog once I got into a second relationship, because it wasn't really until then that I felt I was really 'poly'. Which is VERY not true. You can be single and poly, or in a full marriage (what's a half marriage you ask? Tune in next week...) with kids and not date anyone else but still be poly. I was naive, that's why I'm writing this... to open up my MIND! It really helped me articulate the weird and confusing things that would come up, without feeling strange to rant about it like on facebook, where a good 95% of people I know are monogamous and just... wouldn't get it.
I eventually developed the vocabulary to say I'm pan-romantic (romantically attracted to everyone) as well as non hierarchal, (though I wouldn't go so much say i'm a relationship anarchist). So many words, so little time to explain it. Basically, all you have to know is that now when I introduce myself it's followed by a list of at least seven adjectives (and that's without saying my full name! Yes, Hools is an adjective, you can 'Hools' [see footnote])
Most recently I've been more and more into the label of 'solo' polyamory. Before I was in a relationship I never WANTED a relationship. I STILL don't have any plans to find a 'primary'. God, I won't date anyone from a dating app UNLESS I know they have another partner. It just makes it so much easier for me. Thirsty boys looking for their primary mate... Just thinking of that makes me want to vomit. Perhaps I'm an anarchist in another way, because I have no problem thinking about settling down with ANYONE who isn't a cis-het male... opps...
I think I've fallen into the idea of a primary in the context of the life I have. Aside from the general everyday run ins from 'happy couples'. My one partner lives with his primary, who I am close friends with, and part of me sees them together and it makes me sad, because I think 'man, I wish I had someone to hold me while I sleep every night'... But then I think of the reality of that and... OH BOY am I glad to have my own room, my own space, MINE! Perhaps I'm selfish, but if you love yourself even a little you have to be, RIGHT?!
My ideal situation is living in a nice attic loft apartment, on top of a couple who spend half the year at their beach house in Florida while I have the place to myself during the winter, ideally their a queer couple but beggars can't be choosers. My partner's would come over once a week or so, spend the night with me doing dumb, exciting, fun things, and then after I cook a brilliant breakfast the next morning (yes, okay, I'm always the dominant one... it makes dating men difficult...) they can return to whatever they do.
I don't mean to say that I don't want them in my life outside of the time they come over sometimes. I still need active communication. Something I'm sorely lacking at the moment. I need to know I'm loved constantly. I need to be told how great I am or I will crumble. I need to be reminded of the small details that make me special. I'm a nightmare to date and I'm betting my current relationships have a good 20% health left, with no potions in their backpack (I've been playing final fantasy, I now only see people as how many times I throw potions at them).
Now, to actually get to the topic of this post... It's 4am and I can't sleep and... well... I'm sad.
I'm sad, not only because I'm a big piece of shit who only thinks of my own issues only. I'm sad because I AM solo poly. Which means during this pandemic... I'm alone. And I don't mean ALONE. I'm not cut off from society (god, imagine if wifi wasn't a thing...), I have multiple phone conversations with many people I love almost every day. It's not that I lack the community. It's that I don't have someone to hold me. I haven't been touched in so long, and I didn't ever think this was something I needed... gulp! It's only the beginning of this... I don't know how long I can last.
Meanwhile my one partner gets to house two of his beautiful, kick-ass, wonderful girlfriends, I'm left with feeling... exhausted for thinking about it. I'm alone and it feels like I'm not supported in my aloneness. It feels like I'm chopped liver because I never took the plunge to 'commit' to a primary, who maybe I could be quarantining with... I'm jealous. My jealousy has never been this bad. I've never been a jealous person (You can read my other blog about it), but now that my needs are severely not being met, and that I constantly feel pushed aside to be replaced by much better versions of anything I would hope to be... well...
Honestly. I would rather be single right now. Because it already feels like I am, but I still have the longing to hear from my partners, which maybe I could do with out...
Maybe it's time to sort out my priorities.
You tell me, Ron!
FOOTNOTE: To Hools: be practically and emotionally amazing from all exterior forces while having crippling anxiety about how terrible you are most of the time