Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want
I've only been having sex for three years, and really only frequently for the last... seven months. It's weird. Sex is weird. And I'm not just talking heteronormative penetrative sex, I'm talking about all the things in between. For me, as an asexual, I could take it or leave it. Does it feel good, sure. But you know what else is great, laying in a tent while you can hear the rain pitter patter on the tarp above, but I haven't done that in god knows how long. I've just found myself in the position to indulge in sexual pleasure a lot more recently. MAAAAYBE it's from having multiple partners... I dunno, I dunno, maybe... I haven't gotten to a point yet where I'm like OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!
I do enjoy it. I don't know how to express that to people. It's such a complicated thing. Though my sexual pleasure comes from the act of being physically close to the specific person. It can be very mechanical, but if can also be stimulated by the sound of my partners voice, or the smell of their body. A real, physical acknowledgement of 'this person has chosen to be here in this moment with me not only because like 'cool she'll fuck me' but also because they're into the person I am'. Being into the person I am is super hot. I AM A PERSON! My partners can scream 'you're so hot, you're so sexy' over and over, and I'm not going to say it's not nice. But I'm more interested in them attracted to the person I am, the brain I have cultivated over the last 27 years of my life. Because really, my brain is suuuuuuper sexy. My body is alright. And I have really great eyes. Okay, I'll stop falling in love with myself #hollysexual
Though, having only recently engaging in this realm I feel very lost. The average person loses their virginity around 16 to 19. The years in between that and when I did, at 24, can be super explorative. So when I'm in bed with my partner I freeze up because I'm not sure what it is that I even like. Add the layer of my sexuality on top and I'm a stone statue that hasn't been chiseled. I don't watch porn or read any books about sex because I really don't care. I'd rather watch a documentary on how a serial killer got away with it for 25 years. And I'm not super into murder or anything, I promise... There are so many other subjects I can read up about that I feel the only reason I would look into sex literature is so my partner is actually getting something out of me.
I don't know what to do with my hands. I don't know where to look. Where do my lips go. When am I supposed to touch certain parts. If I bend this way does that work better for you. God help me if I'm asked to flip around. My brain is on overdrive because it's so unnatural for me. And I feel so very far behind in the process. If I was having sex since I was 19 maybe I'd have figured out... something... I like being directed, maybe that's the actor in me, but mostly because I have no idea what feels good. Actual penetrative sex is always for my partner. I'm more interested in them getting to the end then elongating it for myself. AND, mostly because I've already gotten off by then, I'm all about returning the favour.
I like trying new things because I want to figure out how to be better, but I have no interest in exploring it alone. Because, adding to the camping analogy, it's great, but I'm not going to pitch a tent in the middle of the woods by myself. That's not to say I don't masterbate... If I'm bored, or can't sleep it's great...
The question of 'what do you want' is so hard for me. Though, it hasn't been until recently that my partner has actually cared about me and my own person preference. So... maybe that's telling. I haven't been able to figure out what I want because it's always been, until this year really, that my own enjoyment is part of the act. I feel this huge block and a big suffocating ball in my throat because I don't know... I've only ever assumed that sex is for the other person and it's the only thing keeping someone close to me... have I ever said that out loud before... fuck... I am learning and exploring, but I feel like a baby learning to walk because I really don't know where to put my next step. Luckily I have multiple people guiding my hand down the path, and luckily they're very patient with me.
Did I mention how great it is to be poly, especially since I get to learn about what works for me through many different people, which helps speed up the learning curve.