• Hools

The Fear of Others

I don't experience jealousy.

Honestly, these photo's have nothing to do with the post and I'm too lazy to find a fit.

It's very odd to me, because I can understand the feeling. I can see someone post something online about something that they achieved in their career and be upset it's not me, but it's not a driving emotion, it's a glimpse. I don't spend hours circling reasons why it's not me.

Part of me wonders if that's because I don't think I deserve it. My inability (if that's what you want to call it) to feel jealous is created by the self-love that I lack. For so long, I thought I couldn't be loved, in the romantic sense, because I have a hard time seeing any reason why anyone would feel that for me. Mostly stemming from the understanding that the love I received in childhood was completely conditional and based off my own success, this then lead to my constant need to be better. That's a story for another day. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IS FUN.

I feel insecurity, that's a real thing, which could easily be linked to jealousy. In fact a lot of the emotion in jealous is is not really jealousy as it's own emotion, but backed by lack of trust and self-loathing. I trust with my whole being. When someone says to me 'I care about you and think you're wonderful' I believe they actually think this way, aside from what I think about myself. Do I think I'm wonderful? I won't answer that, but it doesn't devalue what someone feels for me. I have no reason to believe that what someone says means anything else. Sure, I've had it backlash. A big reason I was so broken after my EX was due to the fact that he said he liked me and then after a gruelling two months he decided I was a nothing. Though, I also understand that people can change their minds and opinions of me at any time. That lends itself to other crippling anxieties as I'm fully aware that the love someone has for me can just as easily disappear the next day. WOOOO.

A lot of people who are monogamous and find out about my multiple partners will express how they could never do that. They have a fear of abandonment, or their partner cheating on them, or falling in love with someone else. But the fact is, we've lived in this society that has made up the belief we can only be in love with one person, and that's just MAJORLY untrue. The love you have for your partner or the love you have for your mom may be different loves, but that doesn't make either of those loves less. So why can't you have different loves for different lovers?

I can feel upset that a partner is with their other partner instead of me, while all I'm doing is sitting at home petting my cat (that's not a euphemism). I crave the presence of my partner almost every single moment, but I also know that's not reality. I can't be around my partner's all the time. We all have our own lives. Perhaps maybe at the moment, not so much. I spend a lot of time alone, and I also refuse to go on dates with new people (or at least people from online) because it's exhausting. But instead of moping around in my room while they're having a date night with someone else I can make plans doing whatever I want, I'm not locked down to anything.

I guess for me, if jealousy is in play, it's that there is something missing. If you see someone who's really good at a skill and you think 'awe man, I'm so jealous, I wish I could play the violin like that', then fucking pick up the violin. If it's a jealousy that stems from 'I wish I was hanging out with my partner right now instead of them fucking someone new', well... then you either need to have that conversation with them about your own needs, or you need to check yourself. You can have those conversations. If them being out with someone on a Wednesday night with someone is hard to know, then ask them to not tell you. I don't think that's lying. The lying only comes when you ask them to tell you every time they're out with someone and they neglect to say it. There is cheating in polyamory too, it's about communication, or the lack of. But if you can't understand how your jealousy plays into your own mind then I would suggest really sitting down and asking yourself 'what is it that I'm jealous of'.

I can be jealous that I don't have one of my partners to spoon me while I fall asleep any evening, but that's not really a jealousy thing. That's a lack thing. I'm very aware that I won't ever get that from my current partners. But if that's something I really wanted I could voice that to any of them and they'd either be able to give it to me on a couple nights or whatever we could agree upon based on compromise, or they can't, and I'd have to find it elsewhere. In a way, polyamory makes me less jealous because I can get my needs met by different people in different ways.

Or maybe I'm just a sociopath. I don't like Baby Yoda, so... that's a sign.

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