• Hools

The sound of the thoughts are suffocating

Isn't it so funny how keenly aware most poly people are. That's mostly a generalization based on my own experience though.

Perhaps it's because being poly is work, hard work, and I find many monogamous relationships fall into place because of laziness. I understand how very pigeon-holed that statement is, so I apologize for those who do work hard at their monogamy. I personally don't know anyone who is poly and doesn't have self-awareness. But I'm new to this. And I don't know a lot of people. I guess I just keep good people in my life??

So it's not surprise to me that me, along with many of my poly pals, are on top of their mental health, as in they are aware of it and are trying to make it better. My mental health is constantly on a teeter-totter. It's so silly. When I'm doing good I feel like I can accomplish so many things, as though my mental health will never dwindle. And then when I dip, that's it. I am done. I curl up in a ball, I shut down, I stop connecting with people, I zone out. I'm so very aware of doing it that it's laughable, I'm still unable to stop it.

Being in the presence of people I generally enjoy is so great at plugging up the drain. The moment I'm alone is when it get washes over me and I grasp for air. I start to pick apart everything. I start to get angry at not being in the company of others. And yet, as an introvert, I also know I NEED that time to recharge. Then I get even more angry at myself for taking that time. Are you exhausted yet? Thinking about my brain.

I am so aware of how I hate myself

I hear all the thoughts in my brain and judge everything I think, even though I don't actually believe the thoughts, or actively pursue actions that would engage the thoughts. I hate the thoughts. I once had a friend say to me 'if I could choose to be inside anyone's head it would be yours' and I got upset. The idea of someone being a mind-reader is the scariest thing, but since that's not possible I can be at ease that no one ever will hear the truth. Instead I just spiral inside.

I feel this idea may be a common theme among many of my poly friends. One could say that being poly has created that terrible anxiety in my brain, but I think it might be the opposite. Because we're so able to understand the grip on the nerve-endings of our mental health it allows us to see just how mentally ill monogamy is. The feeling that one person can fix you, make you 'whole', be your only person, any one else see how wrong that is. There are seven-billion people in the world, why do you think one person will change you and make you into the 'best version of yourself'. Here's a tip, ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT.

Now, I don't write this blog as a way to hate on monogamy, so I am sorry it's coming across that way. I've just had a lot of aggressive arguments inside my head over the concept of it lately, and I REALLY can't see the pro's of monogamy. Please don't fight me on this, I'm not in a headspace for a fight. But hey, there are people who believe there's a god above watching over us... You can believe what you want, I'm just not going to agree with you that it's right, though I won't try and convince you to believe otherwise. I'm a good human like that...

I desperately want to be okay. The space between the moments of being with someone and being away from someone can create such a void in my mind. I sit inside the void and think all the terrible thoughts about how someone might feel about me, I make it all up in my head, but it feels so real. The idea that someone, outside of being near me, has found out something about me, and decided, based on that one small fact, I am terrible poison that's completely making that person's life toxic and I must be sucked out. I've had way too many people in my life that have done so that there is no way this cannot be true. These are my thoughts when I'm away from anyone I love.

I'm so tired of my brain.

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