• Hools

The Truth is You Never Know the Truth

I'm constantly learning every day. What's that saying...

I'm shocked at how much there is in the world. I am surprised constantly. And perhaps that's why life is so scary. The idea that we can believe in something so hard, when the next day all of a sudden it's not true, or has been proven to be better by some other truth. With that knowledge I want to curl up in my bed and never leave it so that I can never be hurt. Though also, I will never grow. So that's why I leave the warm comfort of my bed and get the glass in front of me shattered daily.

I think of sharing my poly identity with people. I want to scream it when I walk in a room. Not because I am always on the look out for a new partner [though, did you want to date me? Cause like... I'm not opposed], but because it didn't feel like a real thing until it happened to me. I look at my identity the same way I look at my sexuality. The moment it was presented to me as an option I dove deep because the water was so very comforting, like wrapping myself up in the softest, warm blanket. It just made sense. When I first discovered my asexuality I couldn't believe the broken person that I was made into could actually start healing just by being validated from a word. I can't look at my poly identity any other way now. It just makes sense.

I need to be careful. Because it's all so exciting I want to talk about it all the time. Currently stuck around my family who don't know much about this topic, or about me, and I have to stop myself from saying 'oh one of my partners said...'. This is two fold. One, because the idea of talking about multiple partners is completely unheard of to them. And two, because my family has never known me to be in a relationship with anyone. The fact that I even have ONE partner is shocking enough. I can't even tell them how happy I am with the people I love because it feels wrong. I remember as a young teenager, being ridiculed at the dinner table for saying a boy's name. OOOOOOH Holly likes Joe. OOOOOOH. And that embarrassment made me NEVER want to like anyone. As if there was something wrong with me for liking someone. So to call someone a partner in front of my family has a lot of weight to it.

And yet, I just had a very candid conversation over a card game with my sister and her partner the other day that was very much surprising. All questions were very earnest, and all confusion wasn't coming from a place of judgement, but a place of not understanding because they could 'never' be with more than one person. It was very interesting for me, as someone who is still a baby poly and trying to figure out the 'terms and conditions', while also trying to explain it. The idea that there are 'no rules' or that 'we're just making it up' while also understanding the no rules doesn't mean that exactly. The no rules is the 'not monogamous expectations'.

I found much delight in the 'seeing my partner kiss their partner' conversation. It's hard to explain to someone very monogamous. But as I spoke I found myself also discovering why that made me so very happy. When I see how much love my partner feels towards their other partners it makes me very validated in their love for me. As well, knowing that their partner, who I find super cool and wanna be real life friends with, loves this person who I love, is ALSO very validating. It's a wonderful love-fest circle.

The 'being polyamorous until you get married, or have kids' was a hard one to tackle. As someone who thinks that marriage is a concept created by society to hold down the person you're with in your life forever and locks them from just up right walking away empty handed, and someone who will never bare a child, I couldn't explain how married people, and people with children, can still be open, and can share a marriage, as well as children. It's so very fascinating to me how the way I feel about monogamy is how a lot of serial monogamists feel about polyamorists. I don't get why anyone would want to secure one person, when there are just so many people out there I can love, and who can love me. To me monogamy just sort of feels lazy, but I know I'm taking an ignorant stand to it.

The idea that truths are always changing is so fascinating to me. I look to one day the open concept of love. Where monogamy and polyamory cross lines without stepping on each other or the confusion between the two. Where people can just love freely, in one couple or multiple triads. Maybe one day that will just be the norm, nothing will be questioned and everyone will be respectful. Some say that I'm a dreamer... I wrote a short story once where the social norm was polyamory, and a monogamous couple was questionable. But what I want, really, is just people loving however many they want to love. One, twelve, just their 200 cats, whatever dude. Though through the many shitty people I've been involved with who won't even give me a conversation after we've fucked, well... It's unlikely to ever be possible.

Wow, this post is so very soft and I'm sure boring to readers... do I have readers. HOLLY MAKE IT INTERESTING. I mean, I think maybe I have a relationship with my Dad now so that's... interesting...???

In final paragraph conclusion style, I will just keep easing my way into this lifestyle, whether or not in five years I have any partners, I know this is what works for me right now. To that I say le chaim... wait I'm not jewish, but I did fiddler on the roof once...

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