The Varying Vessels of Love
I'm obsessed with the different way my heart feels.
I find the heart so fascinating. For the longest time I couldn't understand why I was incapable of caring for anyone, until I realized I wasn't being met with the right people. Once those people entered my life my heart burst through the dam of the blockage in the brain that accessed emotion. I started to care so intensely for people. The amount of love that poured from my eyeballs, through my words, succumbed me.
I used to hate people. Actively. I would go around grumbling while in public, on transit, in malls, about the ignorance of the collective consciousness. I was known as the friend who would find any reason to dislike someone. I realize how toxic that was. Now my mentality has flipped, though I still slip into that uneasiness of people when a stranger offers unsolicited friendliness. I feel that may also be due to unfortunate trauma of my past innocence being shattered by the few who I called friends until they took advantage of me.
Now I think about the love in my life and I get ecstatic. I was unable to accept the love from my friends for so long, assuming it was a deception, though I cannot tell you why saying 'oh my god Holly I love you' would benefit them, my anxiety brain convinces me otherwise. That dumb fucking brain. But I need to love that dumb brain as it is a part of me. I need to love all the parts of me like all those people in my life who take every part of me. They're not wrong, but I have a hard time understanding why anyone would want to be around me when I'm spiralling. I want to escape my brain and get as far away from my person, yet I have all these lovely humans who hold onto me tighter, without me even asking for it.
I've recently been thinking a lot about the concept of 'love'. I can love so many. I love my cat intensely, and my best friend will always be the love of my life. But outside of that, my heart can love so many, many different ways, and that's what is so fascinating, and interesting about the human brain/heart duo combo. Sure, we can get really mad at our hearts. To quote a really good writer from her solo show (*cough cough, me*) '[our hearts are] as foolish as a child that is told to not press the red button. Even though we're hurting we keep returning'. Our hearts are silly and also so impressive.
The way I feel about one lover is so intensely different than I feel about another lover, or a decade long friend. When I say 'I love you' it doesn't mean one thing. THAT baffles my mind. Each person in my life evokes blood through another vessel of my heart. I can pin point the parts of my body that are activated when I think about one person versus another. I think that may also be why I don't feel jealousy when my partner is with/talking to/messaging another partner. Because I know the love they have for them is different than with me.Though respectfully I make my time with each person focused on them because that's a big thing that's important in my own relationships, I get a giddy feeling when my partner talks about their other partners. I'm floored to have friendships with my partner's partner outside of our relationship. Though, that's a topic for another blog that I'll write in the future, because I could go ON for pages about that special friendship.
There used to be an exercise in my acting class I had insane difficulty with. We would all sit in a circle (in acting school you really get good at making circles) at the start of class and each person would get a chance to 'check in'. Which meant each person would talk about their feelings for however long they needed, like so: 'I feel [emotion] in my [body part]'. I hated it. I couldn't understand the purpose, and as far as I was concerned emotions for me didn't exist. Of course once I started doing therapy I realized how foolish I had been. I can't really say labelling an emotion in a body part is something I'm able to do now, mostly because action words are hard for me to come up with, I CAN say that when I think about certain people I know where the emotion for them sits in my body. That's CRAZY. Isn't it?!
AND NO, it's not an 'I feel a tingly in my silly place' kind of feeling. Though I'm now capable of that... again, another blog post topic... It's like when I think of my best friend my heart swells up for the intense love I have for her. Or when I think about my boyfriend I get all fuzzy in my face and my fingers light up. What does it mean, well I couldn't tell you. I'm not a doctor, GOD. But I know it's positive. Or MAYBE I'm crazy. I like thinking about people that make me feel good. That's not crazy. But good is not a feeling I've been used to having.
DEAR FUCKING GOD. When I think back to a year ago Holly, and the pain I felt thinking about a certain person, a certain broom (I wrote a show about it, self plug, HOLLY you're whole fucking blog is a self plug you nut bag...) and yet I chased after that feeling and kept beating myself up for more of that pain because at least I was feeling... something. I didn't think I was allowed to feel nice things. But now that I say that, I hate myself. Because it's not like I didn't have amazing friend's back then who made me happy being around them. It was more suffocating for me. It was more of a burden to be around me while I was suffering internally that I couldn't allow myself to accept those good feelings. Oh how we grow.
Side tangent (and maybe another blog topic), the concept of 'love' and 'falling in love' and how we think it's this HUGE thing, when really we should just use love more openly because it's not this HUGE thing. I love so many people. I care deeply for people, and that is a form of love. It's always growing, and changing, and we as a society should be less afraid of saying 'I love you'. We as a society should love more, and love unconditionally. And I, as a single human person, am JUST starting to acknowledge that.
Am... I really making any points here? Basically I think it's really fucking cool how the heart swings between and beyond feelings of love and happiness. I think that love is such a wonderful feeling, and I hate that it took me until I was fully enveloped in my polydome to actually embrace it. Though I guess that's what learning does. Until I was able to realize I was ALLOWED to be loved, I couldn't accept it for myself and my body wouldn't let me feel it. I can't tell you how many thoughts that have done laps in my brain in the unlovable pool. And it's not that I no longer swim in that pool, I just know I have the option of getting out even if the stairs seem so far and my energy is too low to make the final stretch, I can see it, and that's at least a step... or whatever a swimming version of a step is... metaphors... why do I try.