• Hools

What Goes Up, Must Come Down, and Vise Versa

I'm sitting in a cafe with all the loud noises screaming into my ear drums. For some reason they're playing some loud hip rap music. I think: 'this is a cafe, people are trying to write and read', but I guess that's what I get for going to one of those hipster coffee joints, off a side road, only the cool people know about. I am a cool people. I'm trying to understand how my general mood is back on the regular middle of a teetor-totter when just two days ago I was crying in therapy because I couldn't remember what I did. I spent a good two weeks clawing through the sludge of a mini-depression that I couldn't shake. I kept lying on my bed in tears as my cat tried to nudge my softly damp hand to pet her. And yet I think back to it now and go 'what was even wrong'. 

The obvious answer is nothing. Though that's not how depression works. I keep telling myself I'm not depressed and it's all in my head, though that sentence I suppose is the joke. Mental health is weird. But now I'm actually at a place where I can sit on facebook again without crumbling under the pressure of being seen by no one. Oh how easily I spiral. When I have someone posting a really dumb thing that's not even funny and getting fifty-two likes, meanwhile I'm like 'hey hi help me I'm a mess' and it goes unseen. It's suffocating. This world is suffocating. Though now that I can breathe I feel so stupid for even caring. Why does it matter how other people think or feel or double-click love heart? It's so so stupid. I feel so so stupid. I'm given advice by friends and my therapist to do something I enjoy and yet when I'm in the thick of my sadness I can't find a single thing I enjoy. Trying to even have any sort of emotion towards anything is hard. Maybe I'm not depressed, maybe I'm just casually a part-time sociopath, who cries a lot. 

Emotions are weird. I was biking home from work at 3am and started to cry because my thought was 'I can't believe anyone who says they love me because my parents did that and look at my relationship with them... is that the foundation of love, or am I just unlovable'. The juvenile brain of mine towards everything real skews my perception. As children we don't know any better so our sole truth is 'I did something wrong'. This never left me and I have a hard time shaking it. My core belief being 'I am unlovable', so anything that changes that narrative becomes incorrect, a deception even, my brain saying 'oh no, no, they can't love you, because REMEMBER what you believe?' So I have to transition and change that belief. I have to wake up and remind myself that I am in fact very lovable. I open my eyes to all the amazing people I have in my life, that I've KEPT in my life, purely because I am lovable. I have chosen the people in my life, instead of the ones that you're born into who have left me when it's told to us that our family love is unconditional, mine has always been conditional, and I've somehow done it wrong. The people who do love me, love me because of the person I am, and not because I provide some sort of addition or service to their success.

That's also a hard one for me. I believe that the love I receive is completely based on the devotion and hard work I put in to the things I do. The hard work of me actively moving towards my career/passion. The tenacity of my being that draws people towards my light is the only reason people want to keep me around. This is also not true. Can I not just be loved because of the person I am, outside of exterior forces. The person I am. I suppose it's hard for me to accept because as much as I'm a very self-aware individual, I'm still figuring out the person that I actually am. Most of the last couple years have been that, and I have a general outline of the individual I embody. Though I completely write off my mandatory traits as being secondary. I forget that the way I am is not an ingrained point and click Sim that belongs in every person. It's hard to see other people being anything different than the person I am inside my head. 

I am also afraid of accepting the good because what if that takes over and I no longer see the bad and then that becomes part of the character I am. I really dislike people who can't see the shit in themselves. But also it's not a good thing to constantly be honing in on the negative traits. But all I can see are the negatives. I want to prove to those people who love me that they're wrong by showing them the shit. 'Oh hey hi, sure yeah maybe you love me because of XYZ, but also did you know I'm insane and obsessive and very bad at ABC'. It's such a cycle. Because then they say 'oh but I love that you're insane and obsessive and very bad at ABC'. My brain breaks. I think I'm awesome. I really do. When I'm on even ground with my mental health. So when people I love say 'you're so great' I want to be like 'FUCK YEAH', but when I'm bad, I can't. I can't get out of it. I want to be able to get out of it. 

I don't have an answer, or even a slight offer of assurance. I just need to thank those who've stuck it through my lows. I live in constant fear of abandonment. So it's hard for me to show the bad parts. I've cried far too often in the arms of a lover after they've whispered 'you're a good person' because I have a fear that they're only seeing the good. Did you know that I had a terrible thought about someone I didn't like once... DID YOU KNOW THAT?! Good people don't do that! Did you know that I'm happy I don't really have a relationship with my family because it means I don't have to put in the effort so whenever someone complains about having to do 'etc.' for their mother I'm like 'THANK GOD I don't have to worry about that'. I don't believe I'm a good person. I'm afraid of revealing all that and then having the people I love be like 'yeah no, I was wrong, I'm out'. I'm terrified when there's no reason to be. If someone does that it means they weren't meant to be part of my life, and frankly I deserve better. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

I think that's why I avoided relationships for my entire life until this year. I hear of so many relationships ending and then poof, this person you spent all this time with, getting to know, and accepting, has just decided you don't fit in their life and good bye. I mean, yeah sure, a lot of people don't fit together. And like, ew monogamy gets in the way a lot of the time... I'm not going to get into that on this post. But the idea that you completely cut someone out of your life... it shakes my being to the core. I blocked my ex on facebook because he seemed to have not a single care about our relationship and I wanted to get some sort of reaction from him. Of course he was a baby man child and took it all internally and never spoke to me again... so... that backfired. Then I re-added him on facebook twice and apologized for being shitty... he still never responded. It made me feel like everything that we were, putting aside the fact that it was only about a month and a bit, was nothing. I'm so afraid of being nothing. I would have preferred if he hated me. But I was nothing. So instead of showing all the shit, I hide, get told I'm a good person, and then feel inherently guilty. 

No one is good, no one is bad, we're all a mixed bag. Black and white thinking is the bane of existence.

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