• Hools

What is Joy Even?

I don't own emotion.

It escapes me.

I had a conversation with my therapist about how when I recall events my general overall average feeling is 'meh'. I've never really thought of it before, but then after I left I began to dig deep into that idea. I can't recall a positive event in my life. And I'm aware that there have been many. But when I think back to what I've done I get steamrolled with the overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

Perhaps that has to do with the fact that I'm in a very existential dread with everything right now. I feel like such a burden to everyone in my life because of it, and that just escalades it to the extreme of 'what's the fucking point'. That I am just a single organism in this vast universe and have no effect to change or endow happiness on the overall schematics of life.

With this in mind I lack the ability to express myself to anyone anymore. I will just cause discomfort, which will eventually lead to resentment, and that can become toxic. Were I to discover that my existence was ultimately toxic to someone I might just disappear entirely. I want so badly to only ever be a positive part of relations. But I can't even see the good in me, so it's easier if I don't speak, or just go away for a while, until I can be better.

I'm afraid to keep dating people. I'm afraid to add anyone else into this tornado. I already feel like I've ruined the lives of those around me that I love. That I've only become something they have to deal with. My partner comes to town to visit, and I don't think 'oh maybe being around me is something he actually wants' but instead I think 'he only did this because I asked him to and he pities me'.

I've been around groups of people the last few weeks because of my boyfriend's birthday, and both times I couldn't even control anxiety for a fucking decent amount of time before effecting the state of the evening. Having to escape to his bed under the blankets because it's the only place I feel safe anymore.

I keep trying to think of things that I enjoy and I'm drawing a complete blank. I've done so many things in my life that thinking about the past, doing those things, I have no emotions to pull from. Thinking about doing those things in the future just makes me realize it doesn't matter, because I won't have anything good to take from it. I want to be healthy enough to give my love to everyone. I want to be my good charming self and make my partners laugh. I want to be better, I want to be something that makes the people I'm around feel good.

I hear myself, and see myself from the outside when I'm interacting with people. It's like I escape my body and watch as this... being... pretends to have fun, to laugh, to clap along to a karaoke song with a smile on it's face. But I know it's all an act. I don't know how to be authentic. I can't tell you how out of body I feel when I see a photo of me smiling and immediately think 'that's a lie'.

When I have partners who just want my happiness, and I have no idea where to start looking... I feel so bad. How did I trick them into being with me? Or am I just a quota to fill, a person who went a long with it to fill in a void. I feel so lost right now. I feel so alone in a world full of people who love me. It's so very wrong of me. To overlook that.

I want to date more people because I feel like I don't have enough, but I also know that it's just another way to distract myself from the emptiness, so it's really not fair. And then I think about when I was single and miss that life. A funeral for my single-hood. Mostly because I don't imagine ever not being with my partners, so being single is not something I can see again in my future. But remembering the 27 years that I didn't have to feel like I was someone's responsibility, because I was genuinely able to take care of myself, makes it all feel like a ruse. I was strong enough to hold on until I found people who would catch me, and then I fell, I fell so hard, that it hurts too much to consider getting back up.

So with that I'll stay in my bed until someone tells me I'm special, and then forget they ever said it because my brain is one big piece of meat that can't make sense of the reason why it has to exist.

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